Magic, Love, and Other Small Things
by EpitomesAndRoses
Summary: Lily hates James. James loves Lily. Secrets, pain, laughter, and a lot of growing. Begins with an excerpt from Order of the Phoenix, no longer in Harry's POV, but through Lily and James. Now DH compliant, so some spoilers! Rated M for adult themes.
1. Chapter 1: Soap Suds

**Summary: **Lily hates James. James loves Lily. Lily has a secret which James has found out, and now she's afraid he'll tell. Begins with an excerpt from Order of the Phoenix, no longer in Harry's POV, but through Lily and James. Rated M for adult themes in later chapters and some language.

**Disclaimer**: I own nothing that you may in any way recognize. All of the characters, save for a few of my own imagination belong to J.K. Rowling.

**Author's Note**: Hey to everyone, those new to the story, or those who have already been keeping up. I'm on a new computer so I'm in the process of transferring all my files, including this story. The release of DH, kind of threw me a bit. It makes this story a little too AU for my taste, and so I'm going to be in the process of making it DH compliant, which means, for those of you who haven't read, there could be spoilers. I think most of the problem areas I have in the story are chapters I've already submitted, so I'll be revamping those, just to let everyone know. Thanks to everyone who's been reading!

**Chapter 1: Soap Suds**

Lily Evans was sitting by the lake after the Defense against the Dark Arts exam. Only one more—Transfiguration—and she was finally finished with the OWL's. She could finally relax; she could finally talk to her friends, or watch Quidditch. She could _finally_ read Merlin's Magick Mixers: Potions to Heal and to Weal.

"OY! Evans!"

Lily turned away from her Transfiguration notes, back towards the castle. Her housemates and friends, Cassandra and Lane, were walking towards her. Cassandra, with glowing lightly tanned skin, glossy black hair, and looks you could kill for, plopped down instantly beside her. "So," she began, grinning, "how was the test? Pretty easy I'd say—you probably thought it was the easiest thing in the world huh Lils? Well, exempting Potions. Whatcha looking at?" Cassandra had a habit of rambling. She peered around Lily's shoulder to look at the parchment in her hands. She made a face when she realized what it was.

"Lane! Look at what she's got!"

Lane, a sweet faced, blonde hair and blue eyed angel, sat down demurely first, smoothing down the back of her grey skirt as she sat. She just smiled and shook her head at Cassandra's comment.

"Loony, bloody loony if you ask me," Cass continued, "I mean, we _just_ finished an exam. Give it a rest, for two seconds Lily."

Lane pulled her hair into a faux ponytail with one hand and waved the other at her neck. It was only eleven, but the day had grown rather warm. "Cass, you give it a rest. You know good and well Lily will talk to us the day after tomorrow, just as she's told us she would all along."

Lily grinned at Lane, "Thank you. It's good to know someone understands."

Lane snorted, "Oh, I understand. That doesn't mean I think it's right to ditch your best mates for weeks because of an exam though.

Lily frowned, "But they're important—," Cassandra clamped a hand over her mouth.

"Yes, we know Lily, and we expect this same estrangement come N.E.W.T.S. in Seventh Year. But right _now_," Cass plucked the notes out of Lily's hands, "take a break. In fact, let's not talk about magic at all."

"Yes," Lane said, a small smile growing on her glossed lips, and a glint of mischief in her eyes. "Let's talk about boys."

Lily groaned, "More about John? Honestly Lane, I love you and I mean this with the utmost sympathy—," Cassandra cut her off, "We don't care." She pushed her black bangs out of her eyes.

Lily's eyes widened and she lightly shoved Cass, then looked at Lane, "Well… yes… but in a much nicer way."

"It's just…Lily and I care because you're like a sister, and we want you to be happy. Only, we're both completely and utterly alone and that tends to put a damper on hearing about your gorgeous, sweet, and perfect boyfriend.

Lane sighed and said, "Fine, I won't mention John. Besides, I was referring to a certain tousle headed Gryffindor playing games with a snitch up the hill.

Cassandra laughed, "Oh yes, Mr. James-so-hot-you-could-melt-with-one-look-Potter."

Lily frowned, "It is exactly that kind of flattery that has caused him to be a stubborn, arrogant, pigheaded, bloody egotist who deserves—,"

"Chill, Lils. We understand that you have a thin against him. Though he's never exactly done anything to you."

"Well he's done plenty to other people." Lily spat. She crossed her arms with a small huff and looked out across the lake. After her friends didn't say anything, she turned to change the subject.

Both Cassandra and Lane were looking up the hill at something. She turned. James Potter and Sirius Black were standing, wands out, over one Severus Snape who was spouting pink soap bubbles.

Lily's face went pink. "This!" she said, she looked at Cassandra and gestured up the hill, "This is exactly what I was saying! This blatant disregard for everything and everyone _but_ himself."

With that she stood up, dusted off her skirt and pulled out her wand. Cassandra groaned. "You're not going to get your knicker in a twist over Severus Snape again are you."

Lane wrinkled up her nose, "He's never been particularly nice to anyone Lils, and you know he's starting to practice the dark arts."

Lily's face went stony. She knew Severus, who's family lived a few blocks from the local park of her neighborhood in London, had gotten himself in with the wrong crowd. But that was beside the point, he'd been her first friend at Hogwarts, and she wasn't going to let James Toerag Potter beat him up.

"Leave him ALONE!" She called out, striding up the hill with purpose.

James Potter turned towards her, wand still pointed at Snape. "All right, Evans?" he asked with a tone of charm and niceties Lily believed entirely inappropriate for the time…or ever.

"Leave him alone," she told him levelly, "What's he done to you?"

"Well," James said, conversationally, "it's more the fact that he _exists_ if you know what I mean…" the group that had gathered to watch Snape's pummeling laughed.

Lily sighed, feeling that now familiar sense of hurt and anger well up inside. "You think you're funny. But you're just an arrogant, bullying, toerag Potter. Leave him _alone_." Sev was now bobbing along upside down in time with James's wand.

"I will if you go out with me Evans," James responded. "Go on… go out with me and I'll never lay a wand on old Snivelly again."

Lily felt that swimming sickness at his words. She ignored it. "I wouldn't go out with you if it was a choice between you and the giant squid."

"Bad luck Prongs," Sirius said.

James gave him a look. 'More like "no luck"' Lily thought.

A flash of light from behind appeared, zooming towards James. Sev had found his wand again. A gash rent across James's cheek. Within moments he was hanging upside down—underpants in the air.

Lily's eyes widened in surprise, where had Severus learned such a dangerous curse.

Other students were beginning to start a chant of "Snivellus, Snivells!"

Lily bit her lip, knowing how much Sev hated that nickname. "Let him down," she yelled at James.

"Certainly," James replied. Snape fell to the ground. Almost as soon as he was back on his feet, Sirius yelled out "_Locormotor mortis!"_ and he was down again.

'Black!' Lily thought furiously, 'almost as bad as Potter.' "LEAVE HIM ALONE." She pulled out her wand, brandishing it towards the two. Sirius' eyebrows shot up. James sighed.

"Ah, Evans, don't make me hex you."

"Take the curse off him, then."

James looked at Snape, then at Lily's wand. He muttered the counter curse—_signira mortum_. "There you go," he told her, then turned to Sev, in full gloat mode, "You're lucky Evans was here, Snivellus."

Lily had walked over to help him up.

"I don't need help from filthy little mudbloods like her." Snape was red faced, clumps of greasy hair falling to his shoulders as he regained his breath. James's eyes popped with anger.

Lily tried to stay calm, though she felt tears spring to life in her eyes. He had finally done it. She'd heard rumors about the things he and other Slytherins said and did to muggle borns like herself but he'd never crossed the line like this before. "Fine, I won't bother in the future," she told him, her voice cold.

She couldn't help but say one more thing to make him understand just how much he'd hurt her. "And I'd wash your pants if I were you, _Snivellus_." She put down her wand, ready to leave. Severus's eyes were no longer angry, and they seemed hurt, alone, and lost. Tey made her feel guilty, and she turned away from him, wishing she'd left in silence.

James, however, was just getting started. "Apologize to Evans!"

'Merlin' Lily thought inwardly cursing Potter, "I don't want you to make him apologize. You're as bad as he is." Lily swallowed a lump in her throat at calling Sev as bad at Potter. _But he is, if he can call you a mudblood without a second though_, a voice inside her mind whispered.

He was incredulous. Anger and something like hurt compounded in his hazel eyes. "What? I'd never call you a- you- know-what!"

Lily felt anger spring to life. She alrady had reasons for hating Potter, and now she had to put up a wall against Severus too. It was all too much and she felt like exploding.

She brandished her wand at him again. "Messing up your hair because you think it looks cool to look like you've just got off your broomstick, showing off with that stupid Snitch, walking down corridors and hexing anyone who annoys you just because you can—I'm surprised your broomstick can get off the ground with that fat head on it. You make me SICK." She took a breath after her tirade, feeling drained and relatively as sick as she'd just claimed. She turned around and walked away ignoring Potter's calls after her. And the fact that her oldest friend, who knew most of her secrets was now no longer her friend. And the fact that Cass still had her Transfiguration notes. What she really needed, she thought, pushing her red hair back behind her shoulders, was some place far away from magic, and Potter, and Sev. Anywhere but here.


	2. Chapter 2: Bad Landings

**Summary: **Lily hates James. James loves Lily. Lily has a secret which James has found out, and now she's afraid he'll tell. Begins with an excerpt from Order of the Phoenix, no longer in Harry's POV, but through Lily and James. Rated M for adult themes in later chapters and some language.

**Disclaimer**: I own nothing that you may in any way recognize. All of the characters save for a few of my own imagination belong to J.K. Rowling.

**Author's Note**: Thanks for all the reviews. Still revamping. I'm going to try and edit a chapter, and then submit a new one. Please you might want to reread the old ones again, just to see the changes I've made to the plot. Sorry for any disjointed confusion in the midst of all the reconstruction!

**Chapter 2: Bad Landings and Train Confessions**

Lily was lying on her bed, face first into her pillow. She hadn't bothered to pull across the scarlet hangings—they were where she'd left them, neatly tied against the bedpost from that morning. She was too busy worrying to care if anyone saw her.

"Oh no," she groaned into the pillow. She hadn't realized it at the time, but she'd quite possibly crossed a line herself. For all she knew, Potter was off telling everyone what he'd seen when he quite literally stumbled upon her in London over the holidays. She'd been shocked that he hadn't owled the entire Fifth Year of Hogwarts. But her shock had gone away quickly when it appeared that far from telling everyone he was going to make use of his newfound knowledge and to try and convince her to go out with him. Kind of like an implied blackmail. The swine.

She'd just thought herself another date in the long list of girls James had asked out, or was planning to ask out. But now she was certain (well, almost certain) that James was interested in her more than for a date and a quick snog before moving on to the next girl. "Go out with me Lily," he'd said, "And I'll never touch Snivellus again." Not only did he have Sev, a Slytherin who was a well known comrade of Lily, or he used to be at least, but he also had more leverage against her. Her stomach went queasy at the thought. 'God,' she thought, 'I never should have let Wesley pull me into that alley.'

She was too busy feeling sick and sorry for herself to notice when Cass slipped into the room. "Lils?" she said softly. Lily jerked, "Yes," she said into her pillow, causing her voice to come out muffled and pathetic. She felt, rather than saw Cassandra sit on the bed. She stroked Lily's back comfortingly.

"Lane went with John. I've got your Transfiguration notes… are you okay?"

Lily turned her head to the side to see Cassandra with a slightly worried furrow across her forehead. "Peachy," she told her.

"Well," Cassandra told her, shifting on the bed to make herself more comfortable, "You certainly burst Potter's bubble. He looked quite distraught. Almost chased you, but Sirius said it'd be a bad idea."

"Amazing, Black's managed a coherent thought. 'Bout bloody time."

Cassandra raised her eyebrows. "Lils, I know you and I have always made fun of those guys, and their, you know, immaturity, but this, I dunno, _sounds_ different." She wrinkled her delicate nose for emphasis, as if it smelled different too.

Lily sighed. She wanted to tell Cass… but she was so—was it ashamed?—she just couldn't get the words out of her throat. "Yeah, you're right." She started, trying to come up with something, anything to steer Cass from digging deeper. "I'm just so stressed out, I suppose. OWL's and all of that. It's easier to put it to use against Potter and his lot."

"What about with Snape? You two haven't been as close as you used to be. I hope that's not something Lane and I did." It was a well-known fact that Cassandra and Lane did not understand Lily's friendship with Sev. Apparently having grown up down the street from a Slytherin didn't mean much.

Lily sniffed. "I don't know. He stopped riding with me on the train after Christmas, said he had things to do with his classmates. And then he barely spoke to me during spring hols at all. And now he's calling me a mudblood. I used to trust him, but now I just don't know anymore."

Cassandra patted her on the head. "Aw, poor Lilykins."

Lily let out a harsh little laugh. She swatted at Cass behind her back. "Don't call me that. I'm in a mood I'll have you know."

"Ah, a mood. I know how to fix that." And with that Cassandra grabbed one of Lily's pillows and smacked her with it.

Lily sat straight up. "Ow! What was _that _for?"

"Well," Cass said, brandishing the pillow menacingly, "You said you were stressed out. This is to relieve stress."

Lily blinked. "Do you know what _stress_ is?"

Cass opened her mouth as if to come back with a definition, then stopped. "Well, I don't know the _technical_ definition for stress. But I know it's not good, and it generally develops when someone doesn't know how to have fun." She grinned and smacked Lily on the head with the pillow again for emphasis.

Lily's mouth dropped, "I know how to have fun!"

"Oh really? Prove it." The pillow smacked her across the face this time. Lily dove over the bed to the other side of the room, and grabbed the first pillow in sight. Cass came after her.

The two fought with the pillows and both ended up with a fit of giggles after Lily got tangled up in the edge of her comforter and pulled out her wand as a last resort. After turning the pillows into any number of things, and ending up with a chocolate frog and a rubber chicken, Lane came in to give them both very incredulous looks. To which the two girls merely threw the chicken and frog, and Lane's pillow as well. Lily giggled at Lane's indignant look, feeling more relaxed than she had in months.

**---**

Lilly dragged her trunk across the platform, and handed it to the porter to load. Lane and Cassandra had already boarded the train, leaving Lily to have her "traditional moment," for one last look at Hogwarts. As much as it stressed her out, as much as she sometimes wished she were just normal, she had never regretted stepping into that castle.

It had just been days before that Lily had officially ended her friendship with Severus. He had apologized, and he'd been sincere. But Lily had heard too many rumors to count. And she knew what that group called themselves, Avery and Mulciber, and all of them. Death Eaters. The term constricted her throat. She knew, as much as Sev was and had been her friend, he was also against Mudbloods in the worst way. And Lily was what she was.

She smoothed a hand over her red hair, and turned towards the Hogwarts Express. She boarded the train after a row of first years and began to look in the compartments for Lane and Cass.

"Evans! Hey, Evans!" a voice called from down the corridor. James Potter's voice. "Oh, Merlin," Lily thought, "not now." She had managed to avoid him since her outburst over Snape, and she'd thought she'd gotten off scot-free. Guess not.

Resisting the urge to run, Lily turned around to face James. "Hey," he said, latching onto her arm, just about the elbow, as if worried that she'd run away. His black hair was sticking out at all angles; his mouth was set somewhere between a nervous smile and a frown. He ran the hand not clutching her elbow through his hair, pushing it into a whole new set of odd angles. Surprisingly, Sirius, Remus, and Peter were nowhere to be seen.

"Potter," Lily addressed him, looking somewhat pointedly at her arm. He didn't get the hint.

"Can we talk?" He asked his hazel eyes earnest, "Somewhere alone?"

Lily opened her mouth to refuse when he surprised her by saying, "Please?"

"All right… I suppose." Without anymore encouragement, James pulled her into an empty compartment where he released her arm. He shut the door, running his hand through his hair again. He saw her watching him and he dropped his hands to his sides.

"Nervous habit," he muttered looking down at his right hand. He flexed his fingers, as if they had a mind of their own, striving for his hair while he held them back.

"Oh," Lily said, blushing a bit, remembering their last conversation and her snub about how he always messed up his hair to look like he'd just jumped off of a broomstick.

They were both quiet for a moment, before Lily broke the silence. "So…what did you want to speak to me about?"

"Oh…I," James swallowed, "Well, I wanted to ask you," Lily braced herself for the words "to go out with me," when James said, "if you were, um," he cleared his throat, "happy?"

"Happy?" Lily stared at him, waiting for the punchline.

"Yeah, happy," James told her, searching her face, "with that bloke."

Lily felt her blood freeze. "That is really none of your business Potter."

His face darkened a bit, "I don't understand why—," Lily cut him off.

"You don't need to understand anything about it. Now if that's all, I'll be going." She walked around him towards the door, hoping her face wasn't revealing as much as she felt. She hoped she wouldn't be sick all over the compartment and James.

"Evans," his hand reached out and come in contact with her own. A jolt tingled up her spine. "I um… I'm sorry about Snivellus, I mean, Snape." He told her, not looking her directly in the eye but at their hands, still touching.

For a moment Lily thought he meant the fact that she and Sev were no longer friends. But that was impossible, she realized.

"It's fine," Lily told him, pulling her hand away. She pulled away from the compartment, and tried to force herself into walking normally down the hall, and not at a breakneck speed, leaving James alone in the compartment.


	3. Chapter 3: He's Ridiculously Muggle

**Summary: **Lily hates James. James loves Lily. Lily has a secret which James has found out, and now she's afraid he'll tell. Begins with an excerpt from Order of the Phoenix, no longer in Harry's POV, but through Lily and James. Rated M for adult themes in later chapters and some language.

**Disclaimer**: I own nothing that you may in any way recognize. All of the characters save for a few of my own imagination belong to J.K. Rowling.

**Chapter 3: He's Ridiculously Muggle**

Mrs. Evans was cutting up carrots for dinner when her daughter and her husband arrived from King's Cross Station. Her husband, Daniel Evans, walked in—after leaving Lily's trunk by the stairs, she noted—and kissed her cheek affectionately. "Watch what you say to Lily, she's in a right mood today. She barely talked the whole ride home."

Mrs. Evans opened her moth to reply, but just then Lily traipsed into the kitchen. She gave a bright smile, "Lily!" Her mother pulled her into a hug. She then proceeded to hold her away from her by the shoulders, giving her a once over, "Good Lord, your hair has gotten long." She gave Lily's red hair a flick. Lily smiled weakly in return.

"Dan," Mrs. Evans turned her head to her husband who was not too discreetly devouring the carrots, "Why don't you take Lily's trunk upstairs for her." Lily's father popped one more carrot into his mouth and said, "Mmphkay."

When her father was gone, Lily's mother began to chop lettuce and cucumber. "So," her mother said conversationally, "What's the matter?"

Lily shrugged, "Nothing's wrong mum."

"Mmm hmm, is it a boy?"

Lily stared at her… how did she know about James? "Umm… why would you think that?"

"Well, that Wesley chap rang you this morning, and yesterday, and the day before that, just to be certain the he "knew what day you were coming home" from "boarding school", or to leave his aunt's number—he's staying with her over the summer you know."

"Oh, well, no, I didn't know that."

Her mother gave her a wry smile, "Well I know, because the boy has only told me seven or eight times, in seven or eight different calls."

"I guess I should ring him back then."

"Alright dear, the numbers on the table next to the telly." Lily turned away from her mother to go across the hall to the living room, when her mother called out, "He doesn't know does he?"

"Know what?" Lily asked, disconcerted.

Her mother sighed and wiped her hands on a dish towel, "That you're a witch."

Lily sighed, feeling a discussion coming on. She walked back into the kitchen and took a seat at the table. "Well, I can't exactly go around telling every person I meet you know."

"Yes, but you could tell someone you trust."

'Merlin,' Lily thought. "Mum, this isn't about trust. I trust him, I just don't think that the time is right."

"You've been dating for almost six months Lily."

"Six months isn't enough time to throw around big secrets like this!"

"But it's enough time to break curfew a few times, and when you come home to look like you've been snogging for the past hour and a half?"

Lily blushed scarlet, and looked at the linoleum floor so she wouldn't have to meet her mother's eyes. "I'm sorry, you know I'm sorry for—for--," her mother's index finger tilter her chin upwards.

"Lily, I don't care if you go around snogging a boy. You're a big girl, you're sixteen, and he's your first boyfriend; I think that you can handle yourself. My point only was, if you can trust him to do things which can have a high emotional toll, wouldn't it make sense that you could trust him with this secret?"

"I suppose… I just don't want to… to…"

"Oh, spit it out Lily," her mother smiled.

"Ruin it!" Lily blurted.

Her mother raised her eyebrows. "Ruin it? Ruin what?"

"Everything. The balance." Lily said, a little desperately, "I love being a witch mum, I really do, and I wouldn't change it for the world. But sometimes I just feel like I'm a little too surrounded by magic, and magical beings, and magical people. I lost all of my muggle friends when I went to Hogwarts. Petunia and I don't have the same relationship we used to have. I just want something that's normal—muggle. And Wesley is _ridiculously_ muggle! What if I tell him and that's all we talk about? Or what if he freaks out over it? What if—,"

"Lily, love, please breath. It's alright, I understand what you mean. But you also need to consider the fact that you are building a lie around a part of who you really are. If you don't watch out, this may not end on good terms. Just think about what I said, there's no need to go and turn the sodding world up side down."

Lily smiled weakly, "I suppose I did overreact… just a bit."

"Just a bit," Mrs. Evans tweaked her daughter's nose, "No go call the poor boy before he has a fit. Dinner will be ready in half an hour." Lily stood up from the table, and went to the door.

"Oh, and Lily," Lily turned back towards her mother. "You know, you really shouldn't feel ashamed for kissing a boy—that in itself may be an indication of something wrong you know."

Lily nodded and left the kitchen. She found the number in neat handwriting sitting next to the television. As she dialed on the rotary phone, she felt both better and worse; fully deciding her conviction that this was one of the most confusing days she'd ever had.

---

Lily was going on a date. It was the end of June, and the days had gone by quickly. She'd spent most of her days lazily laying about the house. Some days she took a lawn chair out back behind the house, into the small courtyard between the London homes of her neighbors, and would soak up the sun adding to the freckles across her nose. Most nights, she ate dinner with her parents, or watched muggle t.v., something she had been severely deprived of at Hogwarts.

But tonight, Lily was going on a date, with Wesley, her first boyfriend who had no idea that she was a witch. And for now, that was how she was going to keep the situation.

She was _this close_ to throwing something at the bathroom mirror in frustration on not being able to find her mascara, when she heard a knock against the doorframe. She turned around, making the curlers bunch at the top of her head bound dangerously.

"Petunia!" she cried, and she reached out to hug her sister with a smile on her face.

"Hello Lily," she replied, returning the hug. "Mum tells me you have a big date tonight?"

"If I can find my mascara." Lily gave a dark look once more around the bathroom, which had begun to look like a hurricane zone from the mess she'd created in searching for it. "I think I might have left it at school."

Petunia sighed, "Honestly Lils, you really must gain _some _responsibility." She dug around in her purse and produced her own black tube of mascara. "Here."

Lily sighed, "Oh, you are a life saver Pet." Petunia shrugged, and as Lily dashed the mascara over her eyes, she began to undo the curlers and run her fingers gently through her sister's red hair to create long waves. The two were complete opposites. Lily was small and petite, with a heart shaped face, and long red locks like their fathers, whereas Petunia was tall, and bony with dark hair she liked to keep pulled back out of her face. She resembled their mother, but was much more serious—she would not be gaining Mrs. Evans' laugh lines when she was older. Petunia was not gorgeous, and she had probably not turned as many heads as Lily was at 16, but she was pretty when she had a mind to be. Besides, Petunia wasn't looking for passion, or a man who wanted her for her looks. She'd always been resolute about a wish for security. Something Lily found rather boring, but would never say so to her sister for fear of offending her.

Right now, Petunia was twenty-one, and living with her fiancé Vernon Dursley. They were going to be married after a long engagement, according to Petunia. The end of "long engagement" had not yet been determined. Lily didn't see what was very appealing about Vernon, but he clearly made her sister happy, and that was good enough for her.

"You're here for dinner tonight with mum and dad?" Lily asked her sister as she applied a small amount of blush to the apples of her cheeks. Petunia usually came by for dinner with them once or twice a month. This was actually the first time Lily had seen her since she'd gotten home from Hogwarts.

"Yes. I knew I should have called, otherwise I would have come another night so that we could catch up." Petunia sighed, a small frown on her face.

"Oh, but Pet, if you hadn't of come I'd still be looking for the mascara." They both giggled. Lily thought that her sister looked a lot prettier when she laughed. Petunia needed to laugh more.

The doorbell rang, "That's him!" Lily told Petunia. Her sister smiled.

"You look gorgeous Lily; go on, we'll talk later."

Lily gave her sister another hug, and allowed herself one last glance in the mirror before walking as quickly and "lady-like" as possible down the stairs to meet Wesley.

---

Lily and Wesley were sitting in the back row of the Cinema three streets and four blocks from her house. The same Cinema that created a very dark, very private alley, in between it and the Tarot shop next door. They had already had dinner- burgers and chips, quick and something Wesley could afford.

Wesley was rather handsome. He had brown hair, blue eyes, and clean white teeth—all things, especially the last, which were very agreeable to Lily. He didn't have a leer, or warts, or a mole on his hand that he chronically picked at. He had his left hand on the arm rest, and his right was gently holding Lily's own hand. Lily could not understand what was wrong with her.

She was not watching the movie; she honestly could care less about the movie. No, she was watching Wesley, and trying to figure it out. Was it his eyebrows? No, they had a normal quirk. His ears? Did they stick out? She tilted her head. "Not more than normal ears," she thought.

So she just didn't understand it. Why was she so completely not attracted to him? She had been perfectly happy before, during spring break. She had liked it when he held her hand, it was nice. His kisses were nice too, different, somewhat appealing… in moderation.

But now, when he held her hand exactly the same as he'd always held it, she just didn't feel the same way. It was no longer nice… it was boring. And it was nothing like the jolt of electricity she'd felt when James—she meant, _Potter_, not James, _Potter_—had grabbed her hand on the train.

When the movie was over, they walked out, hand in hand, Lily still puzzling over what was wrong while Wesley talked about the movie. She wasn't even listening and just made "yes" or "no" noises.

And then Wesley was stopping her. They were next to the alley by the theater. Lily felt her stomach fall a bit. She'd been fine at dinner when he'd placed a hand on her knee, no weird nauseous feelings there. _Perhaps,_ said a voice in her head, _it's just because this was the place you got caught_. She pushed the voice away. Wesley was already pulling her into the shadows with him.

And quite suddenly he was kissing her. Lily kissed back, slightly sure of herself, and still feeling slightly inexperienced. Slowly Wesley licked her lip, and delved into her mouth, his hand creeping under the edge of her shirt. Lily felt nothing but nausea.

_They had gone to see a horror movie. Something lame, but still a bit scary that had had her grabbing onto Wesley's hand quite a bit during the movie. He'd held his arm around her protectively, laughing at her meekness. _

_When the movie was over, instead of taking her back to her front porch, he'd stopped her, in front of the alley. For the first time he kissed her in public. "Here," he'd said, looking around, and then pulling her into the dark. _

_He pushed her against the wall, and kissed her. Lily kissed back, feeling a little weird, a little like she was breaking some type of rule, even though she knew it wasn't a crime to kiss in public. _

_And then his hands were in places they'd never been before. _Underneath_ the hemline of her shirt. He moved to kiss her neck and Lily felt a little dizzy—not in a bad way, but not in a wonderful way either. Not the way she'd thought she'd feel. _

_People were moving around outside the alley, there was the sound of male laughter, and that made Lily's stomach do little flip flops. Wesley's hands were moving up to massage her breasts on the outside of her bra. He moaned into her ear. _

"_Did ya hear that Prongs?"_

"_I think it came from the alley Padfoot." More laughter. Welsey's lips were wet and cold against her skin. He pushed himself against her. Lily felt something hard through his pants against her thigh and felt a blush creep up her neck when she realized what it was. _

_Wesley groaned once more, louder, to her mortification. She turned her head away from his kisses._

"_Lumos," she heard a voice whisper. And suddenly she was face to face with James Potter. His mouth went slack as he stared at her. She felt her face go white as a sheet. She pushed Wesley hard to get him off of her. _

"_What?" he asked, his voice holding the smallest hint of frustration. Lily was still looking at James, and Wesley followed her gaze. "Bugger off will you?" he told James, rather annoyed. _

"_Oy, Prongs, what's down there? Anything good," came a crooning voice. 'Oh, Merlin,' Lily thought, 'It's Sirius.' _

_James stared at Lily. Lily felt like she was going to throw up. Wesley just glared. James carefully put his wand away, something Wesley had not noticed, and called back up the alley, "It's just a raccoon." He turned away from Lily, a flush on the back of his neck and left the alley. _

His hands were moving up her shirt again, in the same manner as on break. His mouth was against her neck, and she still felt rather sick. As she look at the stream of light at the end of the alley, from the marquee of the Cinema, she realized that perhaps what might be wrong with Wesley, was that he really was a ridiculously muggle, and horny, teenage boy.

**A/N:** **I'm not certain how old Petunia is, this is kind of a guess. If anyone knows how much older than Lily she is, I'd appreciate the info. **

**Reviewers: Thanks again for reviewing, I love getting comments, and I definitely need the tips and constructive criticism. **

**ReadingRobyn: I hope this chapter clarifies for chapter two. I didn't mean for what was going on between Lily and her boyfriend to seem quite so extreme. **

**truefairy lights: Thank you for your comment, I'm glad you like the story so far. **

**Zippyfox: Thanks for still reading! I hope you like this chapter as much as the last one. **

**Coolcrewzsz: Thanks for picking up my mistake form the last chapter, I'll try not to let it happen again. (I've fixed it on my hard drive, I just need to repost the chapter on fanfiction) I wish I had someone I could have read the story here in RL, unfortunately I don't know anyone who would be willing/and or would care to do so. I'll try harder to be a better self-editor in the future. Right now that's all I can do. Hopefully I won't have huge inconsistencies when I finish and can go back and clean up little mistakes. **


	4. Chapter 4: Or Something

**Summary: **Lily hates James. James loves Lily. Lily has a secret which James has found out, and now she's afraid he'll tell. Begins with an excerpt from Order of the Phoenix, no longer in Harry's POV, but through Lily and James. Rated M for adult themes in later chapters and some language.

**Disclaimer**: I own nothing that you may in any way recognize. All of the characters save for a few of my own imagination belong to J.K. Rowling.

**Chapter 4: Or Something**

It was dark, that was all that Lily knew. It was dark, and she had her eyes open, but she honestly couldn't see. She felt panic bubble up in her throat, but she refused to scream.

She could hear sounds—scratching sounds. She didn't remember how long she'd been out, a few moments? A few days?

She buried her face in her hands- by the time they found her… She barely concealed a whimper. No, she would not cry, she could not cry.

The scratching got louder and louder, and then there was a crash, not at all in the distance. Lily stood up quickly.

It was tall and burly and _fanged_. It towered over her, saliva dripping from it's teeth, yellow eyes gleaming from the doorway as it stood on its hind legs.

Lily felt her mouth open, and she felt, despite herself, a large and loud scream ripped from her throat as it advanced—

Lily woke up with a start. There was a hand on her shoulder, she turned to see Cassandra staring at her with concern. Lily blinked and shook her head. She slowly sat up, only to find Lane with her mouth open. "What?" Lily asked.

"Well, Lils, you were _screaming_ like a banshee." Cassandra told her without withdrawing her hand from Lily's shoulder. "You gave us a fright."

"One minute you're asleep, and the next thing _we _know you're whimpering and moving about. And then suddenly you're just screaming… we thought it best to wake you up," Lane threw in.

"Bad dream?" Cassandra asked. "Potter trying to kiss you or something?" She and Lane

giggled.

"Or something," Lily told them absently. She wasn't in the mood for a laugh. This dream had been very real, and very frightening. She couldn't remember it exactly, but she did have the clear image of a full moon hanging in the sky, outside of the creature blocked doorway. 'Well,' Lily thought, 'That'll be the first thing I look up when I'm at Hogwarts- the symbols of dreams.'

Lily sat up, and began to massage the crick out of her neck. "Well, it's a good thing you're up," Cassandra said, with a small smile, "Otherwise you'd have never gotten your presents."

Lily raised her eyebrows, "Presents?"

Cassandra sighed, exasperated, "For your birthday remember? I _know_ you're getting old, but honestly, you'd think a girl would remember if it were only yesterday." Cass was the youngest of the three, younger than Lily by almost three quarters of a year.

"Well, yes, but you already sent me presents, or are you the one who's forgetful Cass?"

"Now, now, an attitude like that is no way to win anyone over, isn't that right Lane?"

"Mmm?" Lane said, turning the page of the issue of Teen Witch Magazine she had with her. Lily caught a glimpse of the models sweeping along the runway in modified robes and superbly high boots, before the page had fully turned over. "Oh, yes, whatever you say Cassandra."

Cass rolled her eyes, "Fine," she told Lane, her voice a little louder, "I'll just take _all_ of the credit then for the little shindig we were planning on throwing our Lily."

"Shindig?" Lily said, incredulous, "Cass, I honestly don't need a shingdig."

"Oh don't get your knickers in a twist, the party won't go over the _whole_ train, just the sixth years cars."

"I think, as a prefect, that the party won't go beyond this compartment- if that."

"Oh, bloody hell, you've had the badge, what, five minutes? And already you're bossing everyone around. Loosen up darling." Cassandra winked at her.

"I _am_ loose," Lily replied. "I just—," She was cut off by the entrance of a head with black shaggy hair poking into the compartment.

"Loose? Did I here a girl say that they were loose?" Sirius grinned at the girls, and then slung open the compartment doors. "Hey James, Remus, Peter, lucky day mates—I've found some loose girls!"

"Oh sod off Black," Cassandra told him, acidly.

"That's what I love about you Miers, who needs someone sweet natured when you have blinding spite." He winked before sitting down in between Cassandra and Lily, draping an arm around each of them. Before Cass could retort, and Lily could wriggle free, James Potter strolled in from the corridor.

He stopped when he saw Black's arm over Lily, and a small look passed his features. But when Lily had finally settled for getting out of her seat altogether, the look was gone.

Peter and Remus came in next- Remus looking very well, for someone who was usually so peaked, Lily noted. Remus' Prefect Badge was pinned neatly to his robes, and he had stopped at the doorway.

Cassandra began to ream Sirius, "Black you get your bloody hands off of me you louse!"

Sirius chuckled, and enveloped her in a big hug. Cassandra gave a look of disgust, "You imbecile! Are you even listening to me?"

"Probably not," Peter put in, nervously. He was sitting on the edge of the seat, next to Lane, who had yet to look up from her magazine.

James smiled at Lily, who was still standing. "How was your summer Evans?" He asked.

"Fine," Lily told him tentatively, not certain where he was going with the conversation. She waited for a funny remark about her dating habits, but none came. They stood staring at each other, until Remus broke them from their reverie.

"Are you ready Lily?" Came the polite baritone.

"Hmm?" Lily broke the gaze she'd been sharing with James, "Ready?"

Remus nodded, his face serious, "Yes… there's a meeting for Prefects before the train arrives… remember?"

"Oh! Right. I'm sorry, I completely forgot… where is it?"

"It's in the front car, I'll walk with you." And with that he took off. Lily hurried after him with Cassandra calling after her, "We'll have that shindig started when you get back!"

---

Lily sat next to Remus in a room of prefects, along with the Head Boy and Girl. And she was bored. Remus was listening attentively, along with the other prefects, with the exemption of Lola Marie Dawlson, a Slytherin who was busily observing the split ends of her blonde hair.

Lily leaned her head against her head and sighed resisting the urge to glance at the ends of her own hair. She was bored, but she didn't want to be _that_ bored.

The Head Boy had just finished speaking about what prefects should do to keep first years in line when directing them to the common rooms and their dorms, when Lily felt a little nudge to the left of her knee. She looking down in time to see (and feel) Remus give another nudge.

Apparently he wasn't listening so attentively after all. He gave a look and quickly touched his fingers to his lips. "Okay. Keep quiet. Got it," she thought.

Discreetly he pulled a piece of parchment into his lap. Lily tried to act like she was listening and looking at the Head Boy, when really she was looking at Remus's lap.

Remus was slowly folding the paper, when he came up with—a paper airplane? Lily hadn't seen one of those since she'd been in the muggle school before she went to Hogwarts. She stifled a giggle. Remus held up a hand- he wasn't finished yet.

Slowly he tapped the airplane, and Lily waited for him to whisper something, but he never did. Suddenly though, the airplane was full of life, and ready to fly around. Remus gripped it tightly by the bottom, and sat back in his chair. He held it under the table out of sight.

Still watching Remus, and the little moving plane, Lily sat back into her chair as well. The Head Boy was still droning, "…then you want to explain the portraits and the passwords to the first years- as I've said, the first password of the year is located on Parchment A3 in your packet.."

And then Remus turned to her, gave her a little smile, and pulled back his hands, airplane free. Lily blinked, then glanced at the floor to see where it had fallen.

Something fast and white zipped by her nose, and she glanced up sharply. She nearly choked as she stifled a giggle. The plane was zooming crazily around the room, and only the Head Boy and a few people had noticed. The Head Girl, from Ravenclaw was laughing silently beside him.

And then the airplane land on Lola's head, who had been too busy examining to hair to notice the disruption. She gave a little shriek and jumped, nearly falling out of her chair. The Head Boy glanced sharply and said, "Alright, alright, who did that?"

No one answered. Lily glanced at Remus to see him giving a completely innocent, nonchalant look. She tried to do the same.

The Head Boy sighed, "People, people, these are the kinds of shenanigans that we want to stop the other students from pulling. Really, if you can not be serious, you shouldn't be here." The airplane which had slowed to a smooth glide went in front of his face, and then backed up and stopped at his words. The Head Boy stared at it, a little dumbfounded despite himself, when the nose of the airplane curled up in distaste, backed up a bit, zoomed off, and came to meet him square in the middle of the forehead. Then it carefully unfolded itself, and landed, a flat sheet of parchment again, on the floor of the compartment.

"Bloody hell," the Head Boy said, and he kicked at the parchment.

Now the Head Girl rose, pink from giggling and said, "Harris, I think we had better let them go. It's obvious we've held them here against their will a little too long." Harris looked decidedly doubtful, but the Head Girl waved them all away and told them, "You're dismissed."

---

Lily let out a large laugh as soon as the were out of the compartment and on their way back to the sixth years car. "Where did you learn to _do_ that?"

"That?" Remus asked? "Oh, that was nothing, just an old parlor trick my dad taught me."

"No, no, I mean without saying anything- you never mentioned a spell."

"Oh, I didn't?" Remus looked a little uncomfortable, "You must be mistaken Lily, I'm sure I said the incantation."

"Oh.. well, maybe I got distracted and missed it.. or something," Lily said doubtfully. Remus looked a little pink around the ears. He was lying to her for some reason, and he apparently didn't like doing it. This was the first time she'd ever seen Remus less than serious and relatively healthy and she didn't particularly want to ruin it. He seemed to be a funny bloke.

They reached the car to find all hell had broken loose.

The entire corridor- from floor to ceiling was filled with balloons and streamers, and Wizardly Wicked Neon Lights. There was the sound of a wizarding radio station close to full blast playing popular music, and people were screaming and laughing, and throwing Magic Dust Poppers at each other.

Lily stared at the ruckus, resigned and went to find Cassandra.

Cass was in their same compartment, as was Lane, James, and Peter. Lane was still reading her magazine, though she looked a bit perturbed about all the noise, and Cassandra was flirting with an exchange student from Bosnia. James and Peter were busy with a game of exploding snap, and Sirius was Merlin only knows where.

"What in the bloody hell is going on Cassandra!" Lily asked her as soon as she threw open the door.

Cass turned away from the boy and smiled, "Your birthday party silly. Really Lily, your memory is obviously going."

"This is not a party- this is insane and now we're all bound to be expelled."

"Come off it Lils, they can't expel _all_ of the sixth years, that would be ridiculous."

"Yes but they can expel you because you started it and me because it's apparently, unbeknownst to _me_, my party!"

"Relax," Cassandra said, offhandedly, and went back to her flirting. Lily felt like her eyes were going to pop out of her head in frustration. She looked towards Remus, her fellow prefect to find someone who could help her create order, but he was already starting a new game of exploding snap with Peter. Lane was still reading.

James Potter was the only one who insofar hadn't proved to be completely useless to her, and yet she knew that incidentally he was probably completely useless to her.

Lily turned back into the corridor. Maybe she could find an empty compartment and claim that she had fallen asleep before the party had started. She started down the hall, ducked a dung bomb, and sidled around a fizzing and popping red something about the size of a beach ball, floating in the air. So far all of the compartments were filled, and she was beginning to feel a little overwhelmed.

She threw open a door, for find a sixth year and a fifth year busily snogging. They both blushed and stood up. She rolled her eyes, sighed, flashed her prefect badge and said, "Move it." The scurried out.

Lily sighed, and then sat down. It had been a long day. She contemplated taking a nap, but then the turn of her last nap made the thought of it unsavory. Honestly there was nothing to do but lay and stare at the ceiling, or go back out into the train and avoid the things people were throwing about the train in her honor.

Her lose-lose situation worsened when she heard the door open, and turned around to see Potter. She groaned.

He ignored it. "Well, hey Evans. Not enjoying your party?"

"It's more so Cassandra's party, wouldn't you say."

"Yes. But it's for your birthday."

"I suppose."

"You sound thrilled," he told her. She looked at him, he was smirking.

"Well, sixteen is thrilling. As you should know Potter."

He shrugged lazily. "Yeah…" he hesitated. "Are you upset that I'm in here?"

She gave him a long look. Since when did he care if she was upset if he followed her around or not. "No.. I suppose not. It depends on what you plan to do."

"Ah…" he murmured, and then pushed his hands to his knees, leaning towards her. He had long fingers, and large hands. Lily found herself thinking wistfully of their last train ride, the warm smooth fingers touching her briefly and the electric jolt… and you know what they always say about a boy with large hands… Lily told herself to snap out of it.

"Well um… I planned to do…" he stopped, and Lily just stared at him. He leaned in closer, and Lily felt a strange pull in her stomach. Oh, Merlin, was he going to…

And then he pulled back. He ran on hand through his messy black hair and said, "Happy Birthday Lily." He stood up and left the compartment, leaving Lily absolutely dumbfounded.

She looked out the window, at the fields of grass rolling by. It wasn't like he was planning to do anymore than that… why was she feeling so… disappointed? Or something.


	5. Chapter 5: Mooning

**Summary: **Lily hates James. James loves Lily. Lily has a secret which James has found out, and now she's afraid he'll tell. Begins with an excerpt from Order of the Phoenix, no longer in Harry's POV, but through Lily and James. Rated M for adult themes in later chapters and some language.

**Disclaimer**: I own nothing that you may in any way recognize. All of the characters save for a few of my own imagination belong to J.K. Rowling.

**Chapter 5:**

Lily was sitting in the middle of Potions, taking notes while Professor Slughorn rattled off a list of ingredients to create a healing serum that created "skin like new" over cuts and scrapes.

"You will need two bat wings, four teaspoons of powdered starwort, one tablespoon of shredded mandrake root, and one teaspoon of blood of newt."

Lily wrote her notes quickly, and then let Cassandra copy them onto her own sheet of parchment. Slughorn liked to get the ball rolling, so he usually gave the ingredients and instructions quickly, to give students "more time" to make their potion. Lily was an ace at the class, and she was also an ace at writing quickly and neatly. Cassandra said it was both annoying and prat-like; Lily was secretly proud.

Cassandra and Lily had always been great partners at Potions. Lane was pretty good at it, and she always partnered with Elaine Mulbrook, a Ravenclaw who's parents were friends with Lane's. Cassandra was absolutely lousy at Potions, and without Lily there, she probably would have failed multiple times over.

"Bring the cauldron to a slow boil," Lily told Cassandra.

"A _slow_ boil? What's the difference between a slow boil and a fast boil," she asked hurriedly.

Lily rolled her eyes, "There's not so many bubbles."

"Define "many"."

Lily looked over the cauldron. She frowned. "_That_," she pointed into the cauldron, "is too many Cassandra."

Cass sighed and brought down the temperature on the water. "I don't understand what the point of this is. I mean, honestly, we can just go to Madame Josefine in the infirmary, or to St. Mungos if anything serious ever happens.

Lily raised her eyebrows. "But doesn't it make it so much easier to just know how to do something easily, without someone having to do it for you?"

Cassandra pouted. "No."

_Crashbangclatteralang_. Lily started, and then looked behind her. Sirius was howling like an idiot at the fallen cauldron which had spilled boiling water and whatever else had already been added to the potion, all over the floor of the dungeon. Remus was looking a tad less amused, his frown audible.

Professor Slughorn also did not look amused. "Clean it up boys," he told them. "Then start over, you only have until the end of class to get this done, I'm grading what you have." He turned away, and went back to something that looked suspiciously like a crossword puzzle from the Daily Prophet.

Behind Lily, she heard a small _thwap_. Remus was glaring at Sirius, and Sirius was no longer laughing but rubbing his arm, where Remus had smacked him one to shut him up. "It's not _funny_ Sirius, we could get a very low grade for lack of time on this."

"Oh, come off it Remus, you've got to admit with the bat wings flying into the cauldron and all—,"

"_No_. I don't _care_ Sirius, I want to get this finished, and you apparently couldn't give a rat's arse about it."

"Well, it's bloody pointless." Sirius shot back.

"Here, here!" Cass chimed in. Sirius turned and looked at her with a bemused expression. Then he cracked a perfect while smile. Cassandra grinned back. Lily stared at the two of them like they'd grown extra heads. Since when did they agree on anything?

"I don't even know where to begin Sirius!" Remus snapped. "Honestly, I'm done with having you as a partner. Partner with Peter next time."

"No way! Peter's worse at Potions than I am, and James is halfway decent at it. You'll ruin the whole system Moony. Can't you just nick some off that pretty Ravenclaw you keep flirting with?"

"Aside from the fact that that is cheating," Remus began as he tried to quickly and accurately measure a teaspoon of blood of newt. His arm was shaking with pent up anger, and if he put too much in, they were done for. "And we're almost out of mandrake, not to mention the time and effort it will take to _shred_ it again."

Lily was listening as she handed a stirring rod to Cass and instructed her to stir. Lily always kept spare ingredients in her potions kit, just in case. She knew she had plenty of mandrake left- and even though it wouldn't be fresh, it would save Remus and Sirius time that they didn't have to lose.

Of course there was also the moral implications of helping Sirius Black- something Lily loathed doing almost as much as she loathed Potter. But Remus had always been rather nice to Lily, and he didn't seem quite so pleased with ridiculous practical jokes as the other three.

Making up her mind, Lily pulled her kit onto her desk, and uncorked a bottle labeled _Mandragora_. Making sure Slughorn was safely engrossed in number fourteen down, she discreetly passed the bottle to the table behind her.

"Take this," she whispered to the two of them as they continued to argue. Remus, who was furiously stirring in the thick starwort powder, and who was also sporting a fantastically panicked face, stared at the bottle. Sirius just broke into a grin.

Sirius took the bottle from Lily's hand and said, "Lily, flower, I always knew you had a soft spot for us."

Lily reached forward and snatched the bottle back, "I'm not giving it to _you_ Black, I'm giving it to Remus. But if you keep making remarks like that I might just forget I ever made the offer."

Sirius looked ready to toss back a retort when Remus jabbed him in the stomach with his elbow while still stirring. "Shut it, Sirius. Haven't you messed up enough today?" And with that he handed the stirring rod to Sirius, and took the shredded mandrake root gratefully.

"Thanks Lily." He told her. She smiled in response.

Her head hurt horribly. There was a full moon in the window. Small scratching sounds were issuing from somewhere behind her.

She swallowed, her mouth felt like it was filled with cotton. How long had she been lying on the floor. Where was Sev?

She looked out the same rough hewn floor, and out towards the creaky door. It was open.

Her ankle was searing. She looked down at it, and felt faint for a few moments. It was cut wide open and bleeding freely, the white of the bone quite visible. She tried to gain a grip, she tried to think. She buried her face in her hands.

She heard more scratching, and looked up. Outside the door hung the full moon, tinged with silver, and rising on its hackles in front of the doorway was a --- "Lily!"

A familiar voice echoed through the shack, and everything began to go fuzzy.

Lily opened her bleary eyes to find herself in the Gryffindor common room. A foot long piece of parchment with neat handwriting and a half finished conclusion, sat crunched in her copy of _Transfiguring the Untransfigurable_, told her that she ahd fallen asleep while trying to finish up her homework. She sat up slowly and winced at the crick in her neck.

"Are you alright," asked one Remus Lupin, who was standing over her, his hand still on her shoulder.

"What?" Lily asked, thinking about the full moon. She snapped back into reality, "Oh, I fell asleep while doing my homework for McGonagall," she gave a rueful smile, "Nothing unusual there right?"

"But you were moaning," chimed Peter Pettigrew's voice from behind. Lily turned around, and winced again as a bone in her neck clicked. Behind the armchair stood Peter, Sirius Black, and none other than James Potter.

Sirius was grinning, "Dreaming about someone special then?"

"Sod off Black," Lily told him irritably, and then turned back to her homework. As she turned she noticed that there was more light than usual coming in from the window- it was getting close to dawn.

"I'll take that as a yes. Now who could our Evans be dreaming about?" He gave James a little wink. James looked wary, as if half expecting Lily to bite his head off like she had Sirius.

Feeling emboldened, either by exhaustion, or the early morning light, Lily gave a catlike grin and said, "Wouldn't _you_ like to know? But don't worry, anyone in my dreams would be much more clever than you lot could hope to be." Lily stood up from the couch, gathering together her Transfiguration notes.

As Lily traveled up the stairs, she heard James call, "Better not be a Ravenclaw Evans, that's traitoring the Gryffindor House that is!" Lily felt a small bubble of satisfaction at the note of jealousy in his voice, before realizing that she shouldn't be feeling any such thing.

Fighting the surge to either panic or laugh at wanting James to be jelous over her, Lily deduced it down to the nightmare, the lumpy armchair, and the need for another two hours good shut eye.

**Author's Note:** I am very very very sorry that I have neglected this story for so long, and I regret that this chapter seems more like fluff than anything. But I will be trying to keep on track and crank out a new chapter every two weeks or so from now on. Bear with me, I'm trying to balance this with my Calculus homework. ruthless plea to gain pity

Thanks so much to everyone who reviewed!


	6. Chapter 6: Eavesdropping

**Summary: **Lily hates James. James loves Lily. Lily has a secret which James has found out, and now she's afraid he'll tell. Begins with an excerpt from Order of the Phoenix, no longer in Harry's POV, but through Lily and James. Rated M for adult themes in later chapters and some language.

**Author's Note:** I've decided to merge Chapter 6 and 7.

**Disclaimer**: I own nothing that you may in any way recognize. All of the characters save for a few of my own imagination belong to J.K. Rowling.

**Chapter 6: Eavesdropping**

Lily was sitting next to Cassandra in the Great Hall on a Monday morning in late October when it happened.

The owls had already swooped in, and most students had gulped through their breakfasts, when a girl two years younger than Lily, and a few feet down the table from her let out a long low sob. She was clutching a letter, and her face was white.

Almost at the same instant that she began to cry whole heartedly, Professor McGonagal entered the Great Hall, and hurried over to the young girl. Speaking soothing words into the girl's ear, she led her away quickly.

Cassandra took a long swig of her juice and murmured in the silence that now filled the hall, "That's the third one in two weeks."

Lily heard Sirius whisper from the left, "I know that sometimes family problems happens… one parent who's died, but not so frequently."

"Padfoot…" Remus admonished looking stern.

Sirius looked offended, "Seriously Remus, I don't mean to be disrespectful. It's… odd. You know Turner, from Ravenclaw- he was the first to be dragged out of here, that girl Betty I've been talking to in Charms, she's best mates with his girlfriend, says that he's packed up and gone home. Word around their Common Room is that both of his parents have died, and you know his dad worked at the ministry, something with Muggle relations."

"What's your point," asked Peter Pettigrew.

"His point is, that girl that McGonagall just took, she's muggle born. And that other girl from Ravenclaw, her mum's a muggle." James told them.

"So, what? Someone's attacking muggle borns now?" Peter said, looking slightly baffled.

"Apparently," Sirius whispered, a little more savagely, and rolling his eyes at James.

Lily turned away and looking at Cass. She had been listening too, and now her eyes were as wide as orbs. "What if they're right Lils?"

Lily shook her head, feeling a shiver roll through her.

October rolled into November with two more students taken out of the great hall. But when December came around, no one was removed from the hall, and any upset looks seemed dimmed in the prospect of winter hols. However, there was occasionally the rumor that the reason people weren't being taken out of the Great Hall, was because Dumbledore had decided that such grievous events should be more discreet.

The only other problems that the school had faced were an inordinate amount of snow storms, the first of which had been on Halloween.

No one remembered snow ever hitting that early, or the outside air to be so frigid in all of their time at Hogwarts by mid-December. Lily even heard Professor McGonagall, who had been teaching at the school thirteen years now, and had once attended Hogwarts, that it was the coldest she'd ever felt it.

All over the school, students were shivering, many making batches of Stay-Hot-Hot-Cocoa, others resorting to layers upon layers of clothing. Lily had resorted to charming one of her robes, but it was constantly making her uncomfortable- she had done it just a bit too well. She'd wake up freezing, put on the robe, warm up, become sweltering in the bloody thing, take it off, and then freeze. It was becoming a lose-lose situation.

"Just redo the spell, honestly Lily, it's almost as if you like to complain about it," Cassandra told her. Cassandra however, had spent an hour lamenting what the cold was doing to her delicate note- which was blistered a raw angry red, and now had covered up with a very thick balaclava so that only her brown eyes shown. "Wish you'd stop feeling sorry for yourself because you learned how to do the warming spell best out of all of us, and whip me up a potion for my nose."

"Oh, go to Madame Dewitt," Lily snapped at her irritated, as she started to struggle out of her robes again on the way to Charms.

"I've _been_ to Madame Dewitt, I've already told you this. The old bat says that she'll only take serious, _sick_, cases, and that vanity is not something to bother her with. Honestly, _vanity_, if that woman had some _vanity_…"

"Would you hush Cass," Lane told her wearily. "I'm tired, and it's hard enough to focus in class as it is, without you mucking up the sound of Flitwick's voice with your complaining."

"_My _complaining? What about little miss prefect over here? She's been complaining about her stupid robes forever now. And aside from that, what makes _you_ so tired. Haven't you been going to bed "early"," Cassandra held her fingers up in air quotes. "Or was that a simple and complete lie to go off with that Hufflepuff boy of yours."

Lane blushed slightly. "Well, yes, if you must know…"

Lily and Cassandra wheeled around to look at her. "WHAT?" They said at the same time.

Lane was bright red now. "Well… Cassandra… I thought you both _knew_." She whispered in mortification.

Cassandra's eyebrow raised. "Have you two been… well...have you been _shagging_?"

Lane's face was almost purple now from the furious blush she had. "Only once." Her voice had gone very small.

"Oh my god. Merlin, how could you _not_ tell us! What's he like… I mean, is he any good at it?" Cassandra whispered conspiratorially.

Lane looked to Lily for help, but Lily was lost in her own thoughts. "Well…" Lane said slowly, "Yes, I think he's quite…adequate…"

"Adequate?! That's all you've got to say about it."

"Well, yes, I mean no, I mean, he's more than adequate in many places… I mean, I don't know."

"Do you love him?" Lily asked suddenly.

"Of course I love him," Lane said, her face openly pained at the suggestion that she didn't, "I wouldn't… I wouldn't do such things… if I didn't."

Lily nodded, and gave a small smile, "Well, that's good enough for me then." Lane gave her a grateful look, as Cass went back to interrogating her on girth. Neither noticed that Lily had gone a little pale.

'Do I love Wesley?' she thought to herself. They'd done things, but she'd never really wanted to. Lane apparently wanted to, as embarrassed as she was about talking about it. And she loved John. Lily saw a sudden flash of James eyes and his dumbfounded expression when he'd caught her in the alley. A small sense of foreboding settled in her stomach.

Far from worrying that she or her family would be next as Sirius theorized, Lily was more worried about keeping up her grades in Transfiguration. It had never been her best subject, and she had found herself falling asleep in the middle of McGonagal's lessons.

She stared hard at her book. She had read the last paragraph three times and she still hadn't understood it. Feeling frustrated and ready to give up she took a deep breath. She _needed_ to read, and she _needed_ to understand. Getting failing marks at an essay in Transfiguration would ruin her. Especially if she wanted to go into a profession of healing.

She turned her attention back to the page, but her mind wandered. She was _so_ tired. Her nightmares were getting worse, finally trailing to a point where she'd had them three days in a row now, causing her to wake up with her hair standing on end, and sweat dripping over her, even though the castle was relatively cool. And the more tired she got, and the deeper her sleep when she fell into her bed, the harder it was to force herself out of her dreams, or even become aware that she was in a dream at all. It was very real, very perplexing, and quite honestly, annoying as hell.

'Alright,' she thought, turning her attention once more to Transfiguration: Level 6, Transfiguring Your Knick-knacks Into Keepsakes. She trailed her finger down the page as she read about turning a pewter dish into a priceless china set from the Ming Dynasty, when she felt her head falling against the book. She snapped her head back up, "Must stay awake," she told herself.

The sounds of whispering diverted her tired attention-span. Male voices, from the next bookshelf.

"We're going tonight right? Right?" The first voice was eager.

"What? No! It's not even a full moon yet." It was a dismissive tone, one that Lily knew well- James Potter.

"Doesn't mean we can't, you know, practice sneaking out," finished who could only be Peter Pettigrew lamely.

"Shhh!" Came a voice, was it Remus?, "Why don't you let the whole library in on it?" He sounded anxious.

And then there was the sound of crashing books and a small scuffle. Then silence as the room grew quiet, waiting for the screeches of Madame Pince, a woman in her mid-sixties with a bite on her. The screeches never came and in an angry voice James said, "What the bloody hell were you doing Padfoot?"

"That bloody Snape, he was listening in again. He's been following us, he might know what's going on. Just thought I'd teach him a lesson."

"What'd you do?" asked Pettigrew. Lily felt her head lean against the table while she listened. No harm in leaning while she eavesdropped.

Sirius' voice hesitated. "Nothing really, just you know, gave him something to really think about. You know-," But Lily never found out what Sirius and the other four were supposed to know.

_The wind was howling. It had grown quite cold in the shack. Lily's arms were covered in scratches, and a deep ache had settled into her ankle. But she'd managed to bar the door. There was the sound of rough scratching. Lily felt the blood drain from her face. She tried to think- but she didn't have her wand, and she couldn't move fast enough, and she didn't know if it had gotten Severus._

_And then the door burst open, and there was the sound of snarling. Lily shut her eyes feeling her mind shut down in panic. "Let it be quick, oh Merlin," she thought waiting for the feel of jaws snapping her in two._

_When none came, but the howling grew louder, from the sound of pain, Lily opened her eyes. It had been backed into a wall, and a great silver animal stood, blocking it with it's antlers, leaving the door wide open-_

"Lily!"

Lily's head snapped up, and she winced in pain. She rubbed at her eyes, which were bleary from sleep- sleep? She had fallen asleep! How was she ever going to finish her homework?

"Alright there Evans?" asked Potter, his eyes flashing with concern.

"Quite," Lily told him, trying to keep the panic out of her voice. "I was just working on my essay for McGonagal."

"Oh, well, the library's closing now."

"It is?" this time Lily let the sound of dismay out before she could control it. That same flash of concern melded over Potter's features. He ran a hand through his messy hair, and then picked up her book, marking the page with his finger.

Before Lily could ask what he was doing, he had placed his hand underneath her arm, and gently guided her upwards. He didn't let go when she was standing. He placed his hand on the small of her back and pushed her lightly towards the door. A warm rush shot quickly through Lily. She nearly sighed, and then bit it back.

"Come on Evans," he told her, the usual smirk on his face, "I'll help you with your homework."

Either because she was too tired, or she secretly enjoyed the warm thrill on the small of her back, Lily didn't protest


	7. Chapter 7: Nightmares

**Summary: **Lily hates James. James loves Lily. Lily has a secret which James has found out, and now she's afraid he'll tell. Begins with an excerpt from Order of the Phoenix, no longer in Harry's POV, but through Lily and James. Rated M for adult themes in later chapters and some language.

**Disclaimer**: I own nothing that you may in any way recognize. All of the characters save for a few of my own imagination belong to J.K. Rowling.

**Chapter 7: Nightmares**

January and the cold was as awful as ever. The one thing that Lily was thankful for was that at the very least, during Christmas break, she had managed to get some sleep as her dreams had subsided.

Unfortunately, not three nights after being back at Hogwarts, Lily was having them again. Homework hadn't really started piling up yet, and Lily now was going to get out the dream books at the library and try to figure out what her subconscious was telling her.

First she tried the easy symbols, beginning with the most simple, the moon. This, however, might not have been the best plan as the moon could mean everything from wanting your crush to serenade you to having mildew in your house (though that was only one very obscure occurrence that was documented in Germanic times).

Then she tried strange creatures. Nothing much, aside from rather obscure references to pagan religions in Egypt, and plain old fear of that type of creature. Lily wanted to bang her head against the table in frustration.

Just as she was about to throw _Dream Symbols and What They May or May Not Hold in Store for You_, across the room, she heard voices. The library was becoming quite the place to eavesdrop.

"Maybe we shouldn't go tonight," someone whispered. It was a male voice.

"We can't not go. Think about poor Remus all by himself in that rickety old shack."

"But Sirius, didn't you say that Snape knew. What we're doing, it's illegal." 'Sirius?' Lily thought. And then she nailed the other voice—Peter Pettigrew.

"We're just playing with old Snivellus. He wants a show, he'll get a show alright."

"I thought James said—,"

"James is getting a little soft on us now. Trying to "change" for Evans and all that. This'll get him right back on track."

"What if Snape gets hurt?"

"He'll be fine. He'll get a scare, and we'll be there to take on Remus if things get out of hand. Cheer up Peter, we get to sneak out tonight. Maybe we can use the map to find that cute Ravenclaw girl you've got such a crush on. You can sneak in her room to give her a snog—," their voices faded as they left the library.

Lily snapped her book shut. Damn her eavesdropping, now she had to go find Severus and warn him about what Potter's lot was up to.

---

Lily hadn't seen Severus Snape very much expect in passing him in the halls. They hadn't spoken since the night he had called her a mudblood. Briefly, as Lily searched she felt bereaved of the time they hadn't had together. He had always been her best mate up until that one moment.

Lily spent an hour looking for him, and was just about to give up. She decided to check the entranceway into Hogwarts for the fourth time, this time resolving to stay there for at least thirty minutes in the hopes of heading him off.

Lily felt an odd shiver go down her spine as she entered the front hall. She shook it off as being due to the irrevocable cold. She wasn't wearing her warming robes tonight.

The door to Hogwarts was open. Lily stared at it, and in that moment she felt that Hogwarts was suddenly in danger and unsafe. She also knew that Severus had gone outside.

It was almost lights out, and Lily knew that going out into the cold was to tempt frostbite. But she'd seen all of the nasty things the Marauders had done to Severus, and to others, and the tone Sirius had made it seem like it would be his worst trick yet. Drawing her less than warm robes tightly about her, Lily struck up her resolve and went outside.

Though it had been extraordinarily cold, it had not snowed it the last few weeks. Frost and old snow were tamped down into a crust on the earth.

To Lily's luck, there were clear cut and recent muddy footprints across the frosted surface of the ground which was littered with old shoemarks from student's walks across the grounds for classes. These seemed clearer, and after Lily light the tip of her wand with a spell they gained even more clarity. The marks also didn't lead across the paths students had been taking regularly to class, but up over the hill towards the lake.

It was now, as she heard a chime tolling out that it was midnight, that Lily wondered whether the plan had been to simply lock Snape out of the castle. Cursing the cold, Lily followed the footprints. She wondered where on earth he had planned to go as they rounded the Lake away from the Dark Forest. At first she had been certain they would end up in the Dark Forest, at which point, Lily would probably be forced to give up and go to McGonagall.

However, they led her to—the whomping willow? 'Why the bloody hell, would anyone go near that thing.' Lily thought.

The tree had been rooted the same year that Lily had began her schooling at Hogwarts. Many foolhardy sixth and seventh years and the occasional first year had tried to brave the branches despite Dumbledore's warning. This of course led to broken arms, broken legs, and pretty much broken limbs all around. And now Sev was going to just walk right up to it. Hah.

That was when Lily spotted him, a hulking mass of dark cloak. She called out to him, but he didn't hear her. Severus walked up to the tree, still standing out the range of the branches. He was holding something, a spare bit of parchment, and his own lit wand. It took him a while because it was dark, but eventually he found a particularly long stick and inched a little closer to the willow.

At the base of the tree there was a small knothole, and not much to look at, but Sev was diligently prodding at it. Suddenly he hit it spot on, and out of the knot hole appeared a man sized opening within the trunk of the tree. The entire tree froze up and the limbs of the willow ceased to move even for the wind. Without hesitating Snape went into the tunnel that was leading from the trunk of the tree.

Lily took off running after him, knowing that the charm on the tree wouldn't last long.

The inside of the tree trunk was pitch black. Lily crept through the tunnel that wound slowly don into the earth, touching the rough and slightly damp walls to feel her way though. A deep sense of foreboding began to creep into her heart. The only sounds she could hear were the scraping of her own footsteps on the tamped down earth, and inhale and exhale of her breath. At one point she managed to make her voice work. "Sev?" she asked, but there was no answer, only the hollow echo sound of the wood reverberating her word back to her.

After winding around for a while in the dark, Lily found herself at a dead end. She stopped, feeling her heartbeat quicken. Somewhere in the distance she heard a scratching noise and she began to feel nauseaus in the pit of her stomach. This all felt very familiar to her in a very bad way. She remembered Peter's words, "What if Snape gets hurt?" and felt her mind spin a bit. A part of her knew she should turn back and the other part of herself—the noble Gryffindor half knew that she needed to find Sev and get him out too.

She placed her hands in front of her feeling the rough hewn wood of the dead end. After tracing her hands up and down it, she found a doorknob. Slowly she opened it.

She was inside an extremely gloomy room. To her left was a staircase cracked with age and beset with deep welts from being used as a scratching post by some type of animal. There were two other doors in the room: one across from her that led into darkness that Lily perceived to be another room, and to her right a door that looked as if it might be a doorway outside. One dust covered window stood next to the door. Only one pane and the shard of another remained intact.

On the floor lay Severus Snape, crumbled into a heap of black slytherin robes and long greasy hair.

Lily moved forward all at once. She knelt down beside him and grabbed his shoulder. She heard a low moan from him as she whispered, "Severus? Are you alright?"

Before he could answer she heard the scratching noise that she had heard from the tunnel much more amplified. Lily looked up and around her. The scratching noise became more clear until she realized that it was the distinct sound of claws against the wood grain on the floor. And animal was panting in the darkness of the room across the hall.

Feeling her heartbeat pound in her throat, Lily grabbed Severus's arm and tried to pull him up. He was too heavy for her to lift. She leaned down and whispered in a panicked voice, "Sev you have _got_ to stand," when she heard the creak of a door opening.

She looked up and forward. In the room across from her the hulk of a brown and gray beast with yellow eyes. It was wolf-like, with a long snout. Its yellow eyes glinted at her. Slowly it stood up on it's hind legs and howled up into the ceiling of the shack. Lily stood frozen. She had learned about these creatures during her third year. It was a werewolf.

Lily tried in vain to pull Severus up, but just as she got his torso off of the floor, the beast settled onto all fours and charged at her.

She screamed as it came at her and took her down. She felt a searing pain in her ankle through her robes and then her head cracked sharply against the floor. Everything went suddenly and completely black.

---

It was dark, that was all that Lily knew. It was dark, and she had her eyes open, but she honestly couldn't see. She felt panic bubble up in her throat, but she refused to scream.

Her head hurt horribly. There was a full moon in the window. Small scratching sounds were issuing from somewhere behind her.

She swallowed, her mouth felt like it was filled with cotton. Where was Sev?How long had she been lying on the floor?

She didn't remember how long she'd been out, a few moments? A few days?

Her ankle was searing. She looked down at it, and felt faint for a few moments. It was cut wide open and bleeding freely, the white of the bone quite visible. She tried to gain a grip, she tried to think. She buried her face in her hands- by the time they found her… She barely concealed a whimper. No, she would not cry, she could not cry.

The scratching got louder and louder, and then there was a crash, not at all in the distance. Lily stood up quickly; she bit back a cry of pain as her ankle burned. She felt blood run into her shoe.

She looked out the same rough-hewn floor, and out towards the creaky door. It was open.

She heard more scratching, and looked up. Outside the door hung the full moon, tinged with silver, and rising on its hackles in front of the doorway was a full grown werewolf.

It was tall and burly and _fanged_. It towered over her, saliva dripping from its teeth, yellow eyes gleaming from the doorway, as it stood on its hind legs.

Lily felt her mouth open, and she felt, despite herself, a large and loud scream ripped from her throat as it began to advance through the doorway. A string of saliva hung from it's jowels and it's yellow eyes glared intelligently upon her. Lily began to shake. Outside of the door, she could see the full moon, a blinding halo of ethereal light, and she shut her eyes against it as she felt another wave of nausea and a wave of déjà vu all at once: her nightmares. This was her nightmares all gathered into one.

Finding her resolve, she raised her wand and yelled, "Expelliarmus," and hit it square in the nose. Feeling adrenaline shoot through her, she ran at the door and slammed it shut. There was a weak looking wooden bar used to lock it, and she threw it knowing it wouldn't be enough.

The wind was howling. It had grown quite cold in the shack. Lily's arms were covered in scratches, she realized, and a deep ache had settled into her ankle. But she'd managed to bar the door. There was the sound of rough scratching. Lily felt the blood drain from her face. She tried to think- but her mind wasn't working.

And then the door burst open, and there was the sound of snarling. Lily shut her eyes feeling her mind shut down in panic. "Let it be quick, oh Merlin," she thought waiting for the feel of jaws snapping her in two.

When none came, but the howling grew louder, from the sound of pain, Lily opened her eyes. It had been backed into a wall, and a great silver animal stood, blocking it with it's antlers, leaving the door wide open.

A great white stag with long twelve point horns had come to her rescue. It pawed the earth and tossed its head. It rested one dark hazel eye upon Lily, and she felt her breath catch in her throat. The look had been intelligent, longing, and protective all rolled into one. This stag whatever _whoever_ it was, would be her savior.

Lily heard another howl, and she turned to see the werewolf's yellow eyes were wild and upon her. It snarled madly and lunged. The stag threw itself into its path, in front of Lily. The hulking hairy creature tore at it with its claws and tore a gash into the stag's shoulder. The stag reared up onto its hind legs and clubbed back the werewolf even as the blood trickled down his foreleg.

"NO!" she screamed, and she moved to help it. Instantly she regretted it as her head spun from the sudden pain in her leg. The stag turned and rested one eye on her briefly before throwing its antlers into the wolf once more and knocking it soundly into the wall.

A rat raced into the room and towards the werewolf. As the wolf lumbered up from its second smack into the wall, the rat scurried around and in between the wolf's deadly paws, confusing it. The wolf whined, and its eyes rolled in its head as he tried to catch the rat. Each time it swiped, the hooked claws barely missed the wormlike tail of the rat.

A black dog followed soon after, and Lily began to wonder if she was dreaming. She leaned heavily against the wall and began to inch her way to the door. In the teeth of the dog's mouth was Severus Snape's robe. He was standing, stooped and looking as battered as Lily felt, but at least he could walk. The dog dragged him towards Lily and released him. The dog bit at Lily's wrist, urging her along. She stared at it, and then looked back at the stag. It had corned the werewolf and it looked closer to subduing it. She swallowed, feeling as if all she had known had split apart at the seams. She grabbed onto the large dog for support, and allowed it to lead her and the groggy Snape out of the shack, back into the tunnel, and towards Hogwarts grounds.

As soon as they had cleared the Whomping Willow, Lily promptly fainted from a mixture of relief, pain, and the fear from her worst nightmare coming true.


	8. Chapter 8: Topsy Turvy

**Summary: **Lily hates James. James loves Lily. Lily has a secret which James has found out, and now she's afraid he'll tell. Begins with an excerpt from Order of the Phoenix, no longer in Harry's POV, but through Lily and James. Now DH compliant, so some spoilers! Rated M for adult themes in later chapters and some language.

**Disclaimer**: I own nothing that you may in any way recognize. All of the characters save for a few of my own imagination belong to J.K. Rowling.

**Chapter 8: Topsy-Turvy**

Lily opened her eyes blearily. The world was slightly topsy-turvy from where she was laying. An early morning light fell through the glass of the windows and made everything seem hazy and warm.

Her mouth was paper dry, and she sat up slowly, looking for a glass of water. "Oh, no you don't," came a voice from behind her. She turned slightly and saw Madame Dewitt walking towards her with purpose, her white heels clacking on the stone floor, and a green bottle in her hand. When she reached Lily's bed she pushed her gently back down.

Madame Dewitt pursed her lips and said, "It's best that you lay down still. We've had to do quite a lot to that nasty scratch down your leg and ankle. You'll likely have a scar the rest of your life, but Merlin be praised that you won't have to limp as well." Gently she pushed Lily back down.

Lily stared at her as she poured some of the liquid out of the bottle into a spoon. "What's happened?" she asked her.

Madame Dewitt's light brown eyebrows raised. "You don't remember?"

Lily thought about it in her mind. Slowly it dawned on her that the little shack and the werewolf had been real and not another one of her nightmares. She shivered a little, and Madame Dewitt murmured, "There now girl, it's all over. Here, drink this, it'll help."

Lily swallowed the spoonful. It tasted of strawberries, and instantly everything seemed less real, and less painful. It was as if someone had spun sugar around everything, including her eyesight. Lily fell back to sleep.

---

When Lily next woke up, she felt the presence of someone sitting to her left. She turned her head and Dumbledore. "Morning sir," she said, and then she realized that it was late afternoon bordering on dusk. "Or should I say good evening?"

Dumbledore's eyes twinkled. "How are you today Miss Evans?"

Lily grinned. She had always felt very comfortable in Dumbledore's company. He was like a doting grandfather to her. "I imagine that I could be better."

"Well, Lily, you've never been the type to hold back your burning questions. Where would you like me to begin?"

Dumbledore was right. Lily did have plenty of questions. "What happened?" she asked.

Dumbledore sighed. "That is quite a long story Miss Evans. You see last night, you and Mr. Snape were attacked by a werewolf."

Lily nodded, and smiled ruefully, "Yes I remember that sir."

Dumbledore looked very grave. "What I am going to tell you is what I told Mr. Snape. It is to be kept a secret, and I am very upset that this has happened. I had hope that situations like these would not happen. You see Miss Evans, that werewolf was Remus Lupin."

Lily laid back against the pillow, unable to breath for the moment. Remus a werewolf? Impossible.

And yet, it seemed very possible, now that it had been laid clear. All of those times he would become sick and miss class. The mysterious scratches that appeared on his hands neck and face. The swollen bite mark he'd once had on his cheek that he jokingly told everyone was because of Sirius. They all added up to the most basic tell-tale signs of a werewolf.

"Do you see, Miss Evans," Dumbledore continued, "Why you can not tell anyone about this matter."

Lily nodded. "Because many are prejudiced about werewolves, even though it is not the person they are but the creature they become that will bring harm."

Dumbledore nodded. "Yes. Next question."

"Are we... are either of us, Severus or I, infected?"

Dumbledore shook his head. "No. Neither of you were bitten last night."

"How did we, get out?"

"Well, the story as I have it is this: Sirius Black believed it would be a good joke to allow Severus Snape in the Shrieking Shack—"

"The Shrieking Shack?" Lily interrupted.

"Yes, that is where Remus goes to be in an isolated area where he may transform. Now, Mr. Black has been suspended from this school and sent home to his mother, the lovely Mrs. Black. I was very harsh with the boy, some teachers believe that he should be expelled, I have not decided exactly what course of action I will take."

"Mr. Potter learned this plan and went to head them off, where he managed to bar the werewolf Lupin, and rescue you and Mr. Snape, in an act of bravery that most would call highly foolish."

"Potter?" Lily asked, "I don't remember James there."

Dumbledore frowned. "Yes, he carried you back to the castle after you fainted. You did seem to suffer some head trauma Miss Evans, however."

Lily nodded, unconvinced. "That must be it then..."

Could Potter have really been down there? In the Shrieking Shack of all places? Lily remembered the large white stag and its intelligent look and her mid scrambled. Was James an animagus?

Madame Dewitt came out of her office. "Headmaster, I really must insist that Lily get some rest now."

Dumbledore nodded, "Miss Evans, you will have a few days remission from classes to get settled in. I will speak to you more on this another time."

He swept out of the room and Madame Dewitt gave Lily another dose of the strawberry serum and she fell into a fitful sleep.

---

James commandeered her the second she entered through the portrait. She barely had time to register the look of shock on Cass's face at her bandaged leg, let alone garner just how many people knew about what had happened. She was certain that there were rumors flying everywhere about it.

But how many people knew the truth?

James pulled Lily up the stairs so fast; she barely had time to protest. Aside from that, she was exhausted, and she didn't want to cause a scene any more than he apparently did as was evident by his murmured explanation, "Just keep quiet and come with me, and I swear I'll answer everything you ask."

Lily didn't answer him, but she didn't argue or fight either. She just wasn't in the mood. Learning all of the facts was just plain exhausting. Finding out Remus' big secret, that was unnerving, and she had to keep fighting back a wave of pity for the guilt she was sure he'd have when he woke up and found out what he had done.

James pulled her into the empty sixth year boys' dormitory. He sat her on the bed, where Lily fell backwards a bit- slightly at a loss of balance, and also because her brain was still a little fuzzy from waking up from the potion Madame Dewitt had given her. And then he proceeded to stare at her. His eyes roamed over her face, her eyes, her lips, her body. They rested longest on her injured leg, and her bandaged arm. As if he were counting up the wounds, assessing the damage, figuring out how long it would take him to fix her. And then he started pacing. And then he stopped to stare at her again.

When he'd completed the cycle three times, Lily snapped irritably, "All of that moving is giving me a headache, would you knock it off Potter?"

James stopped in his tracks, and then turned slowly towards her. And then all of a sudden he was on his knees at the foot of the bed in front of her, with his hands on her shoulders, somewhere between a hug and a grip.

He looked at her and whispered, "Lily, I am so, so sorry. If anything had happened to you… I had no idea what Sirius was planning, and when I found out you'd followed Snape. I'm so sorry. I never would have put you in such a dangerous position."

Lily stared at him dumbfounded. "But… it's not as if you set him on me. It's not as if you knew I'd follow Severus."

"You think, that I don't care that Snape could have gotten hurt?" James looked dismayed, and Lily felt something like guilt in the back of her throat.

But then a memory of the end of OWL's flashed into her mind and she stared at her hands, where a few scrapes from her knock against the wall at the Shrieking Shack showed, and murmured, "You hate Snape… you hate that he even exists."

There was complete silence. So much so, that after a long pause, Lily was forced to raise her eyes to look at James. He was staring at her with a look that she was unable to interpret- somewhere between hurt, and confusion, and… longing.

"You think then Lily, that I—I haven't changed since our fifth year? That I'm the same guy I was?"

"What other guy would you be?" she asked him quietly.

He sighed, and didn't look at her.

Feeling that it was best to change the subject Lily said, "You told me you'd answer my questions, if I didn't cause a fuss."

James gave a brittle laugh and said, "Yes, I did. Fire away."

"What did you do to make Sev... I mean, Severus, after this episode. I mean, so that he wouldn't say anything about Remus." Lily knew Severus, and she knew that he wasn't as tolerant as she would have liked him to be. She wasn't the only one he'd called a mudblood or a halfbreed.

James sighed, "Well, I for one told Dumbledore I didn't trust him with Remus's secret. Dumbledore, being the forgiving man he is believes that anyone should be trusted until proven they can't be, which has the potential to be disastrous. But because I insisted, he placed a spell in the potions he gave to Snape, and to you. You can't tell Remus's secret even you wanted to.

"Oh." Lily said meekly. The memory of the silver stag popped into her mind as James watched her with his dreamer's hazel eyes.

She tried another question, this one more blunt. "Are you an animagus, and are you registered?"

"Yes to the first, no to the second."

Lily's eyes went wide in shock, "But it's _illegal_. Do you know how stupid that is?"

"Not more stupid that running around with a werewolf, I'd say," he murmured. He was standing a little away from her now, his hands in his pockets. He rested his weight on an oak dresser.

"You could get hurt. You… you could get killed," Lily couldn't keep her voice complacent. Not now. And she wanted answers. She wanted to know, even though she knew quite well that it would be in her best interest to leave now. "Why would you do something so stupid?"

"D'you have any idea how hard it is for Remus, how tough it was for him to make friends. Plenty of people thought he was schizo, or diseased our first year. Sirius and I figured it out in third year, and being thirteen we figured we'd help out. It took us a year to learn how to become animagus's, Peter took even longer. But Remus is our mate, he'd have done the same for us." Lily stared at him.

He shrugged. Lily sat in silence, staring at a dirty sock on the floor. All boys' dormitories had their things on the floor- it was as if the houseelves didn't exist. She felt strange, and bereft. For some reason, she wanted a hug, and she wanted it from James, not from Cass, or Lane who she'd usually go to. And she certainly did not want one from her muggle boyfriend Wesley. She stood up to leave. "I should probably go."

She touched the doorknob, and turned back to look at him. He looked up at her and said, "Don't tell anyone alright?"

"I thought I couldn't."

He looked at her earnestly, "There's a difference between can't and not wanting to."

She took a step towards him, "What, you think I'd go around telling people that. You think I'm some type of gossip?" She felt her face warm in anger.

"That's not what I meant," he said quietly.

"Well, that's what it sounds like." Lily accused. A small part of her wondered why she always had to argue with him.

He looked her dead in the eye now, his hazel ones locked with her green. He took a step towards her also, pulling his hands out of his robes. When they were inches apart he swallowed and ran a hand nervously through his hair. "Lily, I want very must to trust you. I want to know that you're on our side. I believe that I can trust you completely and utterly. But.. this isn't my secret. And this isn't just about my trusting you, it's about Remus, Sirius, and Peter as well. And Sirius thinks... that well, because you used to run around with Snape. Well, Sirius wants reassurance."

"Oh yes," Lily spat, "Let's give the great Sirius Black a medal for what a noble good person her is."

James frowned and locked eyes with her, "Sirius is a noble person Evans. A lot more noble than Severus Snape and his lot."

"You don't know Severus like I do."

"Oh really. Well, at least my friends don't go around calling me a mudblood or other derogatory things. At least my friends aren't in league with muggle killers children and soon to be murderers." James snapped.

Lily felt like she'd been slapped. "What have you heard?" she asked him softly.

"Bits and pieces. But Severus Snape is not a good person. Or at least," James conceded, "He's not anymore."

Lily felt a lump in her throat. She had allowed Sev to slip away from her. And now he was what he was and she was what she was. She hadn't talked to him in a year... how could she believe he was anything he'd once been? She simply didn't know him anymore. She wasn't even certain why she'd defended him.

Lily took a breath. "You're right. Sev... Snape, does run with a bad crowds. We haven't been friends in a good long while. Not since.. he called me a mudblood." She looked up and into James's hazel eyes. "You can trust me. I will not tell anyone about Remus."

James reached up and brushed a tendril of hair out of her eyes. "I know I can Lily."

Lily bit her bottom lip. "James, what is it that you turn into?" He had curled the bottom of the tendril around his finger, as if amazed at her hair and the feel of it.

He looked her in the eye when he said, "A stag." He swallowed and placed his hand at the nape of her neck, beneath the curtain of her hair. Gently her drew circle across her skin. Lily felt herself melt into his touch.

"Then you--," she whispered.

And suddenly their lips met: soft and warm, and wonderful. It was swift and heart wrenching, and at first Lily had no idea what to do with herself. And then she felt her entire body responding, and she felt a magnetic pull from her body towards him. He wrapped his arms around her, and she clung to his neck.

His lips were soft, and insistent at first. And then slowly the intensity grew. His tongue grazed her lower lip, and instinctively Lily opened her mouth, letting him in. The tips of their tongues met, and she felt his body vibrate as he groaned into her mouth. A shot of warmth traveled up her spine.

Gently he walked her backwards until her back hit the wall, and her shoulder grazed against the doorframe. His kisses alternated between soft and insistent and Lily felt her knees grow weak. In between one he murmured, "Lily, my Lily," and at that Lily ran her fingers through his soft black hair and felt the many new angles of it as his hands moved from bracing the wall to cupping her waist.

Slowly he traveled his hands up and down the sides of her blouse under her robes. Lily felt her breath quicken. He continued to alternate between featherlight touches to her lips, and deep wonderful snogs which kept her dizzy and guessing.

It was only when his hand began to travel under her shirt that Lily began to feel uncomfortable. She broke away from the kiss, and he moved to gently teasing her neck. He murmured again, "Oh Lily," and Lily, rather than feel her pulse quicken, felt it freeze in her veins because his hands had reached her breasts.

Instantly she remembered his face in the wandlight at the alleyway near the movie theater, and the fact that he hadn't told anyone what he had seen. Lily felt suddenly very nauseous as she realized that he had kept this secret merely to get a piece for himself.

One finger gently grazed underneath her bra and Lily gained enough sense to push him out of her shirt, and off her neck, and violently away from her.

James's eyes were wide. "Lily, what--,"

"Don't you dare," Lily said, her breath quick and heavy. She tried to force her knees out of their jelly-like state. The whole of her was quivering. "Don't you dare think for a second Potter that just because you saw one bloke's hands up—up—where they were, that you get a little bit of action for keeping my secret. Don't you dare think that!" Her voice had gone very shrill towards the end of her spiel. James's mouth hung open in shock.

He did not even protest as Lily turned around, opened the door and slammed it shut. Lily ignored the comments of everyone in the common room who had noticed her yelling, the slamming of the door, and the love bite that rested wanly on her neck as she ran her way up to the girl's dormitories and to her own bed.


	9. Chapter 9: Announcements and Rendezvous

**Summary: **Lily hates James. James loves Lily. Lily has a secret which James has found out, and now she's afraid he'll tell. Begins with an excerpt from Order of the Phoenix, no longer in Harry's POV, but through Lily and James. Rated M for adult themes in later chapters and some language.

**Disclaimer**: I own nothing that you may in any way recognize. All of the characters save for a few of my own imagination belong to J.K. Rowling.

**Author's Note**: Thanks for all the reviews. Still revamping. I'm going to try and edit a chapter, and then submit a new one. Please you might want to reread the old ones again, just to see the changes I've made to the plot. Sorry for any disjointed confusion in the midst of all the reconstruction!

**Chapter 9: Announcements and Rendezvous **

Lily was confused, and tired. New dreams had started. Dreams that involved students taken out of the Great Hall, never to be seen again. These dreams weren't like her dreams of the werewolf Remus Lupin. They were more broken, and less coherent. Sometimes they slipped into places where she had never seen, and sometimes there was this bright bottle green light that stayed behind her eyes even when she was awake.

Sometimes she woke with the shakes, and sweat dribbling down her spine, completely unable to remember what she was dreaming about. The only thing she knew was that there was a deep sense of foreboding in her belly.

News from the Daily Prophet had gotten worse. The Dark Arts, and those who practiced them had always been a great threat. Just look at Grindelwald in Germany, whom Dumbledore had defeated only ten years before. But this stank of something worse that Grindelwald and his campaign for "The Greater Good."

The man known only as You-Know-Who, wouldn't be so easy to defeat. Lily knew it in her bones, and in her dreams.

Not only that, but the one time she'd seen Snape since going into the Whomping Willow, he'd given her a wide berth, moving closer to his Slytherin cronies. His face was hard and cold, and more far away than she'd ever seen it. Instinctively she had placed her hand over the love bite that had started to fade from her neck.

Cass had told her there'd been a lot of rumors about what had happened in the boys dormitory. A lot of students were speculating that the uncatchable Evans had been caught.

Lily hadn't even told Cass the whole story. She'd made up a reason for her leg—getting stuck between the staircases—and told her that James had been the one that had happened upon her, so late in the evening. Lily knew that Cassandra didn't believe her, but she accepted Lily's story all the same. Cassandra didn't need to know the details to know that Lily had been very shaken by whatever had happened. Shaken enough to end up with a love bite from one James Potter.

It was then that Cassandra took on the mission of keeping rumor at bay, by making up a few of her own. Just as suddenly as all of people's questionings of Lily had started, they stopped. And for that Lily was eternally grateful.

There was one lingering problem, and that was James Potter himself. Even since their meeting in his room, he had kept his distance. Every so often Lily would feel eyes on the back of her neck in class, and she would turn around to see him turn away. It both warmed her and confirmed her suspicion that he was guilty of what she'd always thought about him.

Days went by, and winter slowly melted into spring. The final match of the Quidditch season was one bright and clear Saturday morning, two weeks before spring holiday.

Lily walked into the Great Hall, feeling strangely relaxed. Her love bite had faded a while ago, and she hadn't had a nightmare in a few days. She sat down at the Gryffindor table next to a yawning Lane.

"Hello," Lily told her cheerfully. "Late night?" She waggled her eyebrows suggestively.

Lane laughed. "I wish. No, it was Cassandra."

"What'd Cassandra do?" Lily asked while leaning over to her right to grab the raspberry jam for her toast.

"You didn't hear her? Merlin, I though the whole Tower woke up. I kept waiting for McGonagal to walk in. Cassandra is awful at Silencing Charms apparently."

Lily frowned. "I didn't hear anything. Must have been a deep sleep or something. What was she doing?" Lily took a sip of her pumpkin juice.

"Shagging Sirius of course."

Lily spat her juice across the table, where luckily no one was sitting. "What? You must be joking."

Lane gave her an incredulous look, "You didn't know? They've been shagging for almost a month now."

"How can that be? I would have noticed in a minute if she'd been spending more time with him. Or bringing him to our room at night!"

"Oh, well, they aren't together, as in, in a relationship together. It's purely sex, or so she says. They used to go to his room, but James kicked them out. Probably because they're so bloody damn loud."

"Lane!" Lily stared at her. Lane rarely cursed.

"Well, you didn't have to hear it. If I hadn't thought I would have gotten detention I would have gone to John's rooms," she sighed.

"Well, wonderful. Why didn't Cass tell me?"

Lane dug into her eggs benedict, "Dunno. You've been a little distant though haven't you? Ever since you fell into the stairs." Lane's last line was heavy with double meaning. Lily blushed a little bit.

Just then Dumbledore stood up and waved his wand. A dais appeared in front of the professors's table. Dumbledore smiled as the students of Hogwarts turned to look at him. Lily couldn't remember Dumbledore ever addressing them during breakfast.

"Good morning students of Hogwarts. I know you are all eagerly awaiting the final game of Quidditch between Gryffindor and Ravenclaw." Dumbledore paused as many hooted. Lily noted that James and Sirius stood up and hooted at Dumbledore, James already dressed in his Quidditch robes.

"But first," Dumbledore told them, his tone growing more serious, "I have an announcement."

"For those of you who have kept in touch with parents, as well as the daily news, you are well aware of the dangers that are growing with each passing day." A sound of general uncomfortability became audible as students shifted in their seats.

"For those of you who don't know, a man who goes by the name of Voldemort, Lord Voldemort to some, has been gaining power among some members of society. Coupled with his rise in power have been a vast number of deaths, many to those who are muggle-born, and more recently to muggle parents of those who are muggle-born at this school." The room had become deathly silent. Everyone remembered the week before when halfblood Zanna Twinert had wept openly in the Great Hall after finding out about the death of her mother.

"In order to give added protection to students, it has been decided that we will cancel the spring holidays." He held up his hand as students began to mutter.

"Listen to me. We will still have a break, however, you will have it here within Hogwarts. This will prevent having to use the train, and those with muggle parents having to become vulnerable twice in one week. There will be no classes during this week, and it is highly advisable to those with upcoming OWL's and NEWT's, that you use this time to study, just as I advise you to if you were at home. If anyone has serious objections, and truly needs to go home, we will try to arrange a Floo Network usage to ensure that you may get to your homes."

Dumbledore smiled at them all, "Now, let us tuck in, and remove ourselves quickly to the Quidditch pitch." He waved away the dais and sat down.

---

The quidditch game was quite the success. Ravenclaw's defense hadn't been their best this season, and the only reason they'd made it to the final game with Gryffindor was the fact that Slytherin's team was in shambles due to a major "rebuilding" season.

Of course, Gryffindor owed it all to James Potter, their star seeker who had caught the snitch in record time. Because of this, Gryffindor had spent the weekend partying. By the time Monday rolled around everyone was so tired that the halls were completely empty.

Lily, as a Prefect, was patrolling the halls on Monday evening. She yawned, covering it with her hand. Her nights had become less and less restful.

"Lily?"

Lily turned towards the voice, her hand still over her mouth. "'Lo Remus," she told him as another yawn overtook her.

"Can we talk?" The tall youth looked a little sheepish. Lily smiled at him.

"Certainly." These past months Lily hadn't avoided Remus, despite what had happened in the Shack. Quite the opposite, _he_ had removed himself from her.

They started walking together in step with each other. Lily waited for what Remus had to say. He ran a hand through his hair. _Must get it from James_," Lily thought wryly.

"Look, the thing is, I'm really very sorry about what happened. Sirius... he thought it would be a grand joke on Snape. Bloody stupid, Sirius can be, though he's one of my best mates. Cassandra is good for him, she seems to have cured him of it a little." Remus paused and Lily waited for him to continue.

"I appreciate that you've been discreet about what happened. I've heard Cassandra's rumor about you getting caught between the staircase, and it's a wonder people believe it, but that's that then."

"And Lily, I wanted you to know, that I value your friendship. I... I don't want what happened to change things between us. And yeah. That's it I suppose."

Lily turned to Remus and she gave him a hug. Remus seemed startled, and then awkwardly he hugged her back.

"You are a good person Remus. I know you would never hurt me on purpose, and I know that what you do... when, it's that time, well, you can't control that. Some people may be prejudiced against you for what you can't help, but not me." Lily smiled slightly, "I'm a mudblood remember, us misfits have to stick together right?"

Remus blanched at the word mudblood, "You shouldn't call yourself that Lily."

"Probably so," Lily told him. They walked together in silence, until they reached the portrait into Gryffindor Tower.

As Lily was about to recite the password Remus touched her arm and said, "You know, Lily, James isn't that bad. He's a handful, and he's a little pompous at times... but you shouldn't judge him too harshly. At least not until you really get to know him. He's not as adolescent as he was." Remus gave her a crooked smile.

Lily sighed then told him, "Alright, I'll keep that in mind." With that she told the fat lady the password, _mandragora_, and went into the tower.


	10. Chapter 10: Destruction

**Summary: **Lily hates James. James loves Lily. Lily has a secret which James has found out, and now she's afraid he'll tell. Begins with an excerpt from Order of the Phoenix, no longer in Harry's POV, but through Lily and James. Now DH compliant, so some spoilers! Rated M for adult themes in later chapters and some language.

**Disclaimer**: I own nothing that you may in any way recognize. All of the characters save for a few of my own imagination belong to J.K. Rowling.

**Author's Note:** Yay for new chapter's and complete revision of the beginning of the story. The story is now DH compliant, but it shouldn't give to many spoilers. I completely rewrote the Shrieking Shack scene, and I think it meshes a lot better with Lily's character.

Also, if you've noticed, the story seems to have "lost" a chapter. No worries, it hasn't, I've just combined six and seven into one because standing alone, chapter six was pure fluff.

**Chapter 10: Destruction**

Lily was in a dark and damp corridor. It smelled strongly of mildew, and something else she didn't recognize.

Lily shouldn't be here. She knew that if she were caught she'd be in danger. All of her senses were alert and the hair on the back of her neck stood on end.

Pulling out her wand she walked down the corridor.

A scream ripped down the corridor, terrible and pained, worse than a banshee. Lily's heart leapt into her throat and she turned and ran through the corridor and into—

She was in a house. It was a rickety old thing, probably meant for destruction by the city somewhere down the road. Dust was thick along the floor and the wallpaper of the hallway that she stood in. From another room she heard noises and she walked toward them.

The door stood open. Lily peeked around the doorframe. At one point in time it had been a living room. And old couch was against one wall, and an armchair sat near the decrepit fire place.

Two men dressed in black robes stood in the middle of the room. One man might have been dastardly handsome with his dark hair and aquiline nose if not for the inhuman and cold eyes he had. They were in the shape of slits and a dark crimson red.

Another man was on his knees in front of the inhuman one. He was wearing a mask.

"My Lord, I have brought her to you."

The man with the dark hair laughed softly. "Yes, I see her elusive spells did not work as well as she'd have hoped."

Lily saw now that behind the masked man was a woman bound and gagged. Her hair was straggled and dirty and there was a bleeding gash near her hairline. Her face was tearstained over the gag.

The dark lord pondered her for a moment, and then raised his wand and shouted, "Crucio!"

The woman imediately went into convulsions, twitching in her bonds and writhing as much as the tight ropes allowed. Gagged and muffled screams issued from her body. Her eyes rolled up in her head. Lily pulled out her wand, she had to help her—

Lily was standing in the foyer of her home. The electricity seemed to have gone out. Lily held her hand out in front of her. It was almost too dark to see it.

"Mum?" Lily called. "Dad?" There wasn't an answer.

Lily walked forward. She felt her throat close up tightly. Something was desperately wrong.

She walked through the hall and she stumbled over something. She now remembered her wand. "Lumos," she whispered, and then held it over the object.

Her fathers empty face stared back at her, the eyes open and unblinking. His red hair was disheveled and his mouth was open in a silent scream. "Dad?" Lily whispered, her voice choked. She said it louder, "Daddy?"

He didn't respond. Lily grabbed his arm, and it was very very cold. He was dead.

Lily stumbled backwards from the body in terror. Her father was dead, he was gone. She trembled, and her mind whirled. Her father's voice would never joke with her or laugh with her again. She felt tears well up in her eyes and fall down her cheeks.

Lily heard a crash from the kitchen, and she stood up quickly and ran towards it, away from her father.

A dark figure whooshed and was disapparating as she entered the room. She screamed and ran towards it, but it was already gone in a puff of smoke.

Lily looked around, tears streaming down her face. Then she heard a voice. She turned to look for it.

Her mother was on the ground in a pool of blood. She was holding a kitchen knife and clutching her side. "Lily?" she heard her mother whisper, "Lily?"

Lily ran towards her screaming, "Mum—."

---

Lily tumbled out of bed screaming. The dormitory was lit,, someone had turned on the lamps. The bright light hurt her eyes.

Cassandra was in front of her, her face white as a sheet. "Lily? Lily what's happened?" She reached out to touch her friend and Lily flinched backward.

Lily tired to breath, tried to stop screaming, but her entire body was in shock. The screaming of the tortured women, her dead parents, it was all too much. Lily pressed her hands to her face to stop the tears. When she pulled them away there was blood on her hands.

In the background she heard Cassandra tell Lane to go get McGonagal. Lily began to rock back and forth. Why was there blood on her hands.

"Lily?" Cassandra asked her, "Can you hear me Lily?"

Lily had curled herself into a little ball. She nodded almost imperceptibly.

Cassandra stood up, and came back with a handkerchief. Gently she pulled the crying Lily towards her and pressed the handkerchief to her nose. "Lily, your nose is bleeding. I need you to tilt your head back alright?"

Lily followed her instructions. She had stopped screaming. She had gotten a grip. As her head was tilted back she found her voice and said, "I need to go home. I need to see my parents."

"Alright, we can make plans to floo you out in the morning. Lily tilted her head back forwards and she felt the blood gush into the handkerchief. She ignored it. "No," she said adamently, "I need to go now." Lily stood up.

"Lils, you shouldn't get up, we're not even sure what's wrong..." she trailed off as Lily grabbed her outer school robe. Lily was moving slowly, she was still trembling. She stumbled as she moved towards the door and Cassandra was by her side like a shot.

She took Lily by the elbow and guided her out the door.

All along the curved staircase girls were peeking out at the trembling pair. In the back of her mind Lily knew she must look frightening in a nightgown and over robe with dried blood underneath her nose.

The common room was a buzz with people, all of them having been woken up by the screaming. When they reached the ground floor Professor McGonagal came in through the portrait followed by Lane.

McGonagal's eyes went wide when she saw Lily. She looked around at the chaos of students around her. Her face became very stern and she barked, "Everyone, back to your rooms this instant!" her face softened as she turned back to Lily. "Miss Evans, I will take you to Madame Dewitt."

"No, no I must go home," Lily told her, her voice weak.

"In the morning—" McGonagal began.

"No!" Lily shouted. She walked forwards a bit, loosening Cassandra from her elbow. "I have to see my parents."

The movement disrupted her body in the state that it was in and Lily was suddenly very dizzy. She began to fall backwards when two strong arms caught her around the waist. They scooped her up, cradling her. Lily leaned against the very male chest and looked up in the highly concerned eyes of James Potter.

"Clearly, you need to see the nurse Lily," McGonagal told her.

Lily struggled to be free of James and stand up again. "I am going home," she stated firmly.

James managed to keep hold of her and told McGonagal seriously, "I think you're not going to get her to come quietly mam."

McGonagal's mouth had gone into a very thin line. "Fine," she said crisply. "Perhaps her parents can convince her that she may need medical attention. We'll go to Dumbledore."

Lily relaxed at that, into James body. He didn't place her on the ground, for which she was grateful as she wasn't certain that she would be able to stand. Her entire body seemed to have gone haywire and her senses she on high alert for any danger. Being in James's embrace was the safest she had felt since she'd woken up.

McGonagal left through the portrait and James, Lily, and Cassandra followed. As Cassandra passed Lane, Lily heard her whisper, "Go start the word that everything is fine."

McGonagal bustled quickly through the halls and soon they were at a great gargoyle statue that marked the entrance in Dumbledore's office.

Before McGonagal could say the password, the gargoyle slid left, and the door opened. Out came dumbledore, who looked mildly surprised to see McGonagal and three Gryffindors in the hall so late in the evening.

"Minerva," he nodded to her. He swept the door open and ushered them back into the office.

As soon as they were in the circular room, Lily said, still within the crook of James's arms, "I need to go home right now Professor."

McGonagal jumped in here, "Albus, I was woken up by one of my students telling me that Lily Evans was in great distress and screaming like a banshee, and when I arrived in the common room, I found her downstairs among a throng of students, very shaken, with a bloody face, and almost unable to walk. Surely you must see that she needs to go to Madame Dewitt?"

Lily pulled herself out of James's arms, though she kept a firm grip on his tricep for balance. "I really must insist Professor Dumbledore, that I go home right now. I need to see my family." Her voice was very firm. The walk through the corridors in James's arms had calmed her down considerably.

Dumbledore stood very calm. "Minerva, there is a letter on that table there, I need you to take it, read it, and return to Gryffindor tower. Miss Miers, I would like you to please accompany her. Now." Cassandra had looked as if she might protest, but, with a frown on her face, she followed McGonagal. James stood resolute, watching Dumbledore. Cassandra may have left, but he wasn't going without a fight.

Dubledore said very quietly, "Mr. Potter, I have something very private I need to discuss with Miss Evans. If she asks that you leave, then you will have to leave." He looked towards Lily for confirmation.

His words had made the blood in her veins freeze. She squeezed James's arm tighter until the knuckles of her fingers were white. Gently James pried them off his arm and took her in his own large one. He squeezed it briefly back, a comforting gesture that worked albeit mildly.

"He can stay," Lily managed to choke out.

"Perhaps," Dumbledore said, gesturing, "You would like to sit."

"No thank you," Lily said as politely as she could while her stomach dropped like a stone.

"Ms. Evans, I am going to put this too you very bluntly. You have heard of the man who calls himself Lord Voldemort?" He waited for an affirmation which came as a quick nod while Lily remembered the handsome young man with the cruel snake-like eyes.

"Lily, tonight Voldemort entered the home of your parents. Your father has died, and your mother is in critical condition in St. Mungos. Your sister Petunia found them not long after the attack occurred. I was leaving to come get you when you came to me. I know this is a very difficult time, and I will get you the quickest and safest form of transport to St. Mungos that I can—" Dumbledore's words roared in her ears.

Her father, her laughing, bright, and happy father was dead. Her mother, her rock and anchor in all things, could die soon. The room was one giant blur, and the words were nothing but a soft buzz in the background.

Lily promptly fainted.


	11. Chapter 11: Room 313

**Summary: **Lily hates James. James loves Lily. Lily has a secret which James has found out, and now she's afraid he'll tell. Begins with an excerpt from Order of the Phoenix, no longer in Harry's POV, but through Lily and James. Now DH compliant, so some spoilers! Rated M for adult themes in later chapters and some language.

**Disclaimer**: I own nothing that you may in any way recognize. All of the characters save for a few of my own imagination belong to J.K. Rowling.

**Chapter 11: Room 313**

Lily was standing in a hospital corridor. She had changed out of her bloodied nightclothes, and she was wearing a pair of jeans and an old sweatshirt. She had washed her face, but she hadn't done much else. She knew that she must look frightening, but at this point she didn't much care.

Dumbledore had arranged for her to floo out of Hogwarts into St. Mungo's by six in the morning. After her fainting spell Dumbledore had led Lily to a guest room of Hogwarts and advised her to rest. Lily hadn't managed to do anything of the kind. She had cried to herself very quietly until Professor McGonagal had arrived with the necessaries she'd be sent to gather from Gryffindor Tower. Neither Cassandra or James were with her.

Dumbledore sent for her when it was 5:45 in the morning. Lily had never noticed how eerie the halls seemed at such an early hour, when it was so dark and so tiring.

And so now, exhausted into almost a stupor on her feet, Lily stood in the blindingly white corridor of St. Mungo's after flooing into their first floor fireplace. She was waiting for the receptionist to find the room where her mother was in.

"Lily Evans?" a voice asked.

Lily turned to find the very kind face of a short and petite woman wearing white robes and sensible shoes. Her hair was light brown and fell into short layers around her face. She wore silver rimmed glasses that were perched daintily on her nose in front of familiar hazel eyes.

"Yes," Lily said uncertainly.

The woman stuck out her hand. Her face was a mixture of odd things: pity, hope, genuine understanding. "I'm your mother's doctor, Madame Potter."

Lily nearly choked. "Potter?"

The woman smiled wryly, "I take it you've met my son James? He speaks of you often. I'm sorry we had to meet under the circumstances."

Her words brought the cold chill of reality upon Lily again. "Yes. Me too."

"Well then, your mother is on the third floor. Let me walk you up there, your sister is in the waiting room."

"Petunia's here?"

James Potter's mother nodded, "Yes, your sister actually arrived just after the attack. If she hadn't your mother wouldn't be here right now."

Madame Potter led them to a flight of stairs at the end of the hall. They walked quickly up, stepping lightly.

"Is my mother going to be alright?"

Madame Potter paused, an odd look on her face, "We should wait till we are with your sister. There's a lot we have to go over." Lily felt her heart squeeze a little tighter within her chest.

They went up to the third floor, and Madame Potter opened the door. A little desk was stationed right out side of it where a harried looking witch was making notes on parchment. A waiting are was on the left, and a long hall was to the right. Petunia was sitting in the waiting room.

Lily found it very odd to be looking at her sister whom she hadn't spoken to in over a year. It seemed to her that Petunia had grown very rigid. Where Lily only wanted to slump into one of the red armchairs strewn about the room, Petunia sat on the edge of hers, with her back straight.

Petunia stood up when Lily and Madame Potter entered the room. Madame Potter nodded once to her, and Petunia returned to her seat. Madame Potter gestured for Lily to sit as well.

Lily sat in the chair opposite Petunia. She tried a watery smile but Petunia ignored it, looking instead at James's mother.

"Well, I'm going to be quite blunt. The news is not good. Your mother has very specific wounds, which I am rather shocked by. Your father was murdered very quickly through the Killing Curse, and that is the way most of Voldermort's victims are killed. That this dissecting curse has hit your mother is confusing to me."

"So, you can fix this," Lily asked. Lily knew of dissecting curses. They ranged from those that could give small paper cuts to those that could cut a person in half. They had been used as a wizard's form of the muggle guillotine in France in the time of Napoleon. If Lily's mother wasn't dead, surely the wizards and witches at St. Mungo's could patch her up.

Madame Potter hesitated, "The problem is, there seems to be a missing link between this curse and other types. Everything we have tried... your mother just doesn't respond to treatment. If... if we can not figure out something soon, she's lost too much blood..." she trailed off.

Lily's throat had suddenly grown very tight with unshed tears and anger. "Can I see her?" she choked out.

Madame Potter nodded. "I think that's best." Lily stood and then looked at her sister. "Pet?"

Petunia seemed to pull herself out of a trance. "No. I have already seen mother."

Lily flinched at her sister's tone. Pressing her lips together with resolve she followed Madame Potter down the long hallway to a room labeled 313.

Her mother was lying on a white hospital bed, the sheets pulled up around her body. She was very pale and she looked clammy with sweat. Her upper hairline was soaked with sweat.

Madame Potter went up to her mother, "Mrs. Evans?"

Lily's mother opened her eyes, "Yes?"

"How are you doing right now? Any pain? Your daughter Lily is here to see you."

Lily's mother looked to the door and smiled. "My baby. Come here." She stretched her hand out.

"Can I get you anything Mrs. Evans?" Madame Potter asked.

"A glass of water please dear."

Lily moved slowly towards the bed. She was trying not to cry, but it was a losing battle. She wanted very much to be strong for her mother.

Her mother patted the bed next to her. "Sit."

"Should I?" Lily asked uncertainly. She remembered the wound from her dream was on her mother's side.

"Please." Her mother wore her stern look and Lily obeyed.

Gently her mother took her hand. She made to sit up and Lily almost shouted, "No!"

Mrs. Evans was taken aback. She lay her head back against the pillow.

"I'm sorry," Lily said. "I just don't think you should move much right now.

"You know just how to take care of everyone Lily," her mother said, her lips forming a wry smile.

"Lily, there is something I never told you..." she trailed off, and Lily became much more aware of how weak her mother's voice sounded.

"Yes mum?"

"You're grandmother's sister, your great aunt Tula, she was a witch."

"Really?" Lily asked her. "Why didn't you tell me... I thought you and dad had been so excited when..." Lily's throat choked up a bit at talking about her father. She swallowed the feeling down.

"I didn't want to scare you." Her mother wasn't looking at her right now. She was looking off into the distance.

"Scare me with what?" Lily asked concerned.

"Well, you see Lily, your great aunt died very early. In fact she didn't live past the age of twenty. I was four when she died."

Lily was quite confused. What did this have to do with her? "How did she die?"

Her mother looked her in the eye now. There was a crease of worry in between her eyebrows. "She wasn't a normal witch. She was a prophetic."

"A prophetic? You mean a seer?" Lily asked. Lily didn't really believe in seers. She did well enough in divination, but she didn't see it as a viable source for answers, and their loony teacher, a man by the name of Professor Snaghorn, didn't paint the profession as a very sane picture.

But Lily's mother was shaking her head. "No dear. I am sure that the word is Prophetic. They are much more powerful than seers. And much more reliable as well. However, they can not call on their power through tea leaves or crystal balls or other nonsense that seers can." Her mother paused here and began to cough. The cough sounded wheezy and wet, and it jolted Lily back to the reality that she was sitting on her mother's hospital bed, and that her father was gone. Lily felt tears form in her eyes.

Of course her mother noticed. Gently her mother wiped underneath her youngest daughter's eyes. "None of that right now. Things are going to be hard, but you will survive this." Her words were cryptic, but before Lily could ask what she meant, her mother continued, "Prophetics, they see through dreams."

Lily felt her face drain of color.

Her mother was eyeing her oddly, "Yes, I expect that this assertion has struck a nerve. I suspected of course when you were home for Christmas. Now I am certain."

"Certain of what mum? What's going on?" Lily's voice must have had a note of uncertainty in it.

"There now darling, calm down. I know very little about it myself. You must ask Dumbledore when you return to school. I only know stories your grandmother told me and my own experiances."

"Your own... you're not a witch are you?" Lily felt like she was missing something.

Her mother laughed, "Oh goodness no. I am regular enough. You're the first witch in the family since Auntie Jane. No, this Prophetic line passes generally through a matriarchal line. Your great great grandmother was one, and then she produced one witch and one squib, is that what it is? Neither showed possession of the skill. Oftentimes it lies dormant. Your great grandmother, the squib had two daughters as well, your Auntie who went to Hogwarts, and your grandmother who was a muggle. Your Auntie was a prophetic. And then your grandmother had me and your Aunt Tulia, and lord knows neither of us showed any talent for anything magical. And so I had Petunia and you, Lily, and it seems to have cropped up once again."

It sounded to Lily that her mother's tone indicated that she was trying to make light of the situation. But the worry line between her eyebrows remained.

"How did she die?" Lily repeated, her eyes on her mother's face.

"Many... many prophetics don't survive very long. Your great great grandmother was a tough one, she even managed to have a relatively normal life. It takes a type of fiber to retain ones wits with it. Your Aunt Jane went nutty, and she threw herself out of the third floor window of your grandmother's house after a particularly nasty dream." Lily's face must have shown something on it, though she was trying to be calm while she processed the information, because Lily's mother now sounded distressed, "but that doesn't mean it will happen to you. That doesn't mean you will..." she began to cough again, this time long and violent.

Lily stood up from the bed, "Mum, would you like a cup of water?"

Her mother shook her head through the coughing. On the last hack she spat blood onto the bedsheets. Lily's green eyes grew wide, "I'm getting the doctor." She made to leave when her mother, white faced and clearly in pain grabbed her arm. "No!" she wheezed, "There isn't any time. I love you Lily, I love you and don't want to leave you or your sister, but there simply isn't time. I have to tell you, warn you."

"Warn me what? Mum, please let me get the doctor, please." Lily felt tears spill and her voice cracked on the second please.

"You are strong, my beautiful daughter. And life will give you great awful choices. You must make the hardest choice in your life, if it means saving the one you love. Ask Dumbledore... ask him," her mother began to cough, much more violently. A droplet of blood rested on her lip as she whispered, "Ask him about your heritage. Learn to control... control dream... I love... I love you... both... tell her... tell..." her mother went limp against the bed.

"Mum!" Lily screamed. She dove down beside the bed gripping her mother's shoulder. It felt so very fragile in her hand. "Mum?" Lily asked horrified. Her mother's eyes were shut, and faintly, slowly, she whispered simply, "Love," before she was finally and completely gone from the world.

"Mum? Mummy... please, please get up. Please." Lily whispered, still holding onto her mother's hand. She didn't notice the tears as they fell from her eyes. She ignored the painful lump in her throat. All that mattered was that her mother open her eyes right now, and for her life to continue the way in had been.

But her mother's eyes remained closed, and her hand grew colder in Lily's own. A great awful wailing filled the room with a banshee-like lament. Lily heard footsteps, and the sound of a glass of water clattering to the floor. A gentle hand clutched at her shoulder, Madame Potter, but Lily wrenched her arm away, "Leave me alone," she cried. "Leave me alone."

She was desperate, alone, cold, holding the hand of her dead mother, and she realized then that the wailing was her own, coming from deep within her soul. "Please." She whispered, but she didn't know to whom or for what.

And then she felt a warm and strong arm encircle her waist and lift her up. Limply Lily dropped her mother's hand and was carried away from Room 313. She was carried to the waiting room cradled in the arms of someone with a familiar smell and sense of security.

As the arrogant toe-rag, the egotist with the messy hair sat down still holding her close and kissing her gently on the forehead, Lily whispered, "Oh James, what's wrong with me. I don't think anything will ever be right again."


	12. Chapter 12: Fools

**Summary: **Lily hates James. James loves Lily. Secrets, pain, laughter, and a lot of growing. Begins with an excerpt from Order of the Phoenix, no longer in Harry's POV, but through Lily and James. Now DH compliant, so some spoilers! Rated M for adult themes in later chapters and some language.

**Disclaimer**: I own nothing that you may in any way recognize. All of the characters save for a few of my own imagination belong to J.K. Rowling.

**Author's Note**: I really don't tend to be so angsty, and honestly I need to rewrite my summary because this story has grown so much from what it was originally supposed to be. Thanks to all who have been reading so far. One more plot bunny chapter and then maybe we can get to more happy (and raunchy) parts.

**Chapter 12: Fools**

Lily was packing up the dishes. First she did the plastic and ceramic plates, slipping a little bubblewrap between each dish before placing them in the box marked **Kitchen** in bold letters. Next she would do the china, the set her parents had gotten as a gift for their wedding. Those she would be more careful with. She would wrap each plate carefully in bubblewrap, and then even more carefully in tissue paper. She knew Petunia would claim them, so she planned to place them in their own box, separate from the ceramic.

From the living room she heard laughter. Cassandra had managed to convinced Sirius to come help Lily move her things. James had volunteered himself to help as well. Lily couldn't make out what they were saying, but the buzz of it was happy and content. Lily wondered when she'd be happy and able to laugh again.

Leaving the hospital had been horrible. Petunia's ashen face was still set in Lily's mind, like it had been carved in stone. Their fight in the waiting room was even more clear, Petunia's words had cut like a lash.

"This will end Lily," she had said, her face white, her nostrils flaring. "We will go home, we will..." she had taken a deep breath here, composing herself, "we will bury our parents, and you will come to live with Vernon and I while you finish up your schooling in a normal school in London."

Lily had felt very blank and very tired at the point. Numbly she pointed out that she wanted to continue going to Hogwarts. That seemed to be the final straw that would make Petunia snap.

Her nostrils had flared and she'd advanced on her younger sister. "They killed our parents Lily, and I will be damned if I let you continue to learn this nonsense. Crackpots and losers are all that school will ever produce, and if you had never gone there in the first place, maybe our parents would still be here today."

Her words had stung Lily heavily. "How can you say that Tuney? How can you... our mother has only been dead two hours. How dare you blame an evil act on my world. On your own sister."

"Don't play innocent Lily. The guilt is there on your face, it was there as soon as I said it. You know this is your fault, and there is no reconciliation," she had paused, searching for control, "We will go on with our lives," she whispered fiercely, grabbing onto Lily's arm with a vice-like grip. "This is the end of your nonsense."

"I'm not moving in with Vernon, Petunia. I am going back to Hogwarts!" Lily had shouted, pulling her arm away from her sister's grip.

"I am your guardian now Lily, and you will do as I say."

"Maybe in the muggle world you are. But in the wizarding world I am of age."

"Fine," Petunia had spat. "Have it your way. Go to your school of freaks. Pack up your things and live on the street poor as a pauper for all I care. I am done with you."

Lily pulled herself back from her reverie. She shut her eyes to block out the tears from falling once more and she rubbed an imaginary headache out of her temples. Pulling herself back together, she continued cleaning and then packing the dishes. Next would come the glasses and then the utensils, and so on, a to do list that could days and days of Lily's concentration. Lily was glad to have something to concentrate so hard on.

Cassandra poked her head in from the living room. "How are you holding up in here? Almost got every thing done?"

"Almost," Lily answered, though that wasn't entirely true. "You?"

"You want to check the boxes from the living room, decide exactly what you want to take?"

"Sure," Lily said. She packed away the last ceramic plate and followed her best friend into the living room.

James and Sirius were goofing off as Lily entered the room, but as soon as they saw her they instantly sobered. Lily seemed to have this effect on people lately. Everyone spoke softly and quietly, all very reserved and respectful. Lily didn't know how to explain that all she wanted to do was scream.

Her living room was filled with boxes. Petunia had cleared the furniture and either sold it or sent it to storage about a week ago, not long after the funeral. All that was left were small things: her mother's china vase; her father's record player and vinyl albums. Things Petunia hadn't wanted.

In reality, there wasn't a whole lot in the living room. The most packing that had to be done was in Lily's room, but Lily had saved that for last. Leaving her room would be leaving her house, her parents, and her muggle life goodbye.

Lily had been silent for a while, and so Cassandra murmured, "We've got everything in boxes, if you're ready to try the shrinking charm."

Lily looked at the boxes. She knew that she shouldn't want to keep everything. The value of the shrinking charm was very tempting- she could easily shrink it all to the size of doll house accessories, but what would be the point of having it, if it were going to sit in a bag in a trunk the rest of her life.

Lily shrugged helplessly, "How do I decide," she murmured, trying to keep her tone neutral, but knowing that a small tremor in her tone gave her away.

Sirius was the first to pipe up, surprisingly. "If you don't want those albums, James and I can take them off of your hands. There's good stuff in the." He gave her a crooked smile right before Cassandra elbowed him hard in the ribs.

"What are you doing?" she hissed. "This is not the time or the place."

Sirius stared at her like she'd grown an extra head. "I was only wondering..." he trailed off as Cass gave him a severe look.

"No, it's fine," Lily said. She looked at the box marked albums. "Take what you want. I wouldn't... I wouldn't listen to them anyway probably."

Lily turned to walk back to the kitchen, hearing distinctly in the background, "Padfoot you moron, what were you _thinking_," James asked, exasperated.

"I was only..."

"You upset Lily." Cassandra said in a tone that promised death later.

Lily was in the hallway. The foyer was empty now. The coat rack sold, and the bookshelf in storage. Most of the books were at the house Petunia and Vernon were now sharing. In the wide emptiness of the hallway, Lily could only see her father lying lifeless on the floor.

The doorbell shook her away from unpleasant thoughts.

Lily opened the door to find Wesley, her forgotten muggle boyfriend, on the stoop holding flowers. Lily felt her mouth open in surprise.

"Er.. hello," he told her. "I... I don't know what to say. I am very sorry about your parents Lily." He seemed nervous and out of place. He shoved the flowers towards her. Lily took them still rather dumbfounded.

Instantly she felt terrible. She had hardly thought of him. She hadn't returned a letter of his in months. Her life a year ago seemed so far away.

"I," Lily said and then paused. She had no words for this. How did she tell him to leave without becoming more of a cad.

"I've spoken with Petunia," Wesley said, surprising Lily further. "She says that you're not moving in with her. I wanted to know... where you were going, so I could... drop you a call." The way he said "drop you a call" had undertones of something else entirely. Was he suggesting something? Lily stopped herself from shuddering.

"I.. um... well I'm in the process of moving. I'm packing right now actually."

"Oh, well, you must need help. Someone to lift the boxes and so forth." He pushed the door open a little wider, and then stopped. He was staring perplexed at something behind Lily. "Who's that?"

Lily turned to see James standing in the hallway, his mouth in a grim line. "This is... James," Lily worked to find her voice, wondering why she felt so guilty. "James, this is Wesley."

"Well, I see you already have help," Wesley said, suddenly very cool.

Lily turned to him abruptly. Surely he didn't think that she and James—

James interrupted her thoughts by saying, "Yes, she does." He had his arms crossed, and Lily realized suddenly how much taller and fit he was than Wesley. If it came to a fight, James would certainly win. This was getting out of hand.

"Lily, what exactly is going on?" Wesley accused.

Lily struggled to find words. She realized suddenly how tired she was. And she realized that to keep up a pretense of having a boyfriend when she hadn't thought of him for months was ridiculous and unfair.

But before she could properly break up with Wesley herself, James Potter jumped in again.

"Exactly what are you doing here harassing Lily after her parents have _died_," James accused back, his hazel eyes angry. Lily winced.

"I think—," she tried to jump in but the two boys ignored her.

"I'm Lily's boyfriend, and I think I have a right to know who she's hanging around with."

"What?" came a little gasp. Lily turned to see Cassandra and Sirius in the hallway as well. Cassandra was staring at Lily confused.

"Yeah? Well you're not much of a boyfriend."

"And what's that supposed to mean."

"Dunno," James said sarcastically. "Only, I've never seen any letters between you two. Never even heard your name. And her best friend," he pointed to Cassandra, "doesn't even know about you."

"And you barged in here after Lily's parents have passed away," James barreled on, ignoring Lily's sounds of protest, "I notice you weren't at the funeral, _or_ at the hospital. _I_ was. So clearly, you're not needed."

Wesley looked fed up, "Well, I can see she's made her choice." He turned towards the door, fists clenched.

"Wesley," Lily tried helplessly.

"Don't bother," he muttered.

"Don't let the door hit you in the arse on the way out," James called after him, looking smug. As soon as the front door slammed shut, he muttered under his breath, "Wanker."

There was silence for a few seconds as Lily absorbed the fact that she was now single. Suddenly, and perhaps a little irrationally, she was extremely angry.

"What the bloody hell was _that_, Potter?"

He looked taken aback. "What do you mean?"

"You can't just kick people in and out of the house—my house!"

His mouth was hanging open. "You can't honestly have wanted him to stay. Does he even know that you're a witch?"

"That's not the point."

"I think it is the point. When was the last time you even spoke to the bloke? I mean, there must be a point in time where not talking simply ends your relationship. I thought--,"

"You thought wrong!" Lily shouted shrilly.

James's jaw clenched. "Fine. Why don't you go call Wesley back in here. Or better yet, go make out with him in an alley somewhere."

_Smack_. Lily's hand cracked across his face. "Get out." She said simply, her face white. Her hands were shaking, and her eyes promised death. "I want you out of here."

He swallowed. "Lily," he tried, his voice softening.

"Leave," Lily cried out. Her voice betrayed her by breaking.

He reached out to her and she flinched backwards. "Don't touch me. Get out of my house. I hate you, you know that. How dare you think you can come in here and waltz over everyone and everything. People have _feelings_ Potter—something you clearly don't understand." She turned away and walked quickly towards the kitchen, past Cassandra, her face in shock.

Shaking, Lily began to unload glasses out of the cabinet. She began to bubblewrap them, trying not to cry. What was _wrong_ with her, she wondered. She knew she'd been justified in her anger—even more so after what James said about the alley. She blushed thinking about it. But even so, all she wanted to do was go apologize to the prat and she couldn't figure out why.

A hand softly touched her shoulder. "Hey Lils," Cassandra murmured soothingly. "Alright there?"

Lily finished wrapping the cup and placed it back in the box. She sat down on a stool and buried her face in her arms.

Cassandra sat down too. "Well. The boys left. I thought that would probably be best."

Lily shrugged.

"I'm not particularly thrilled to be here either though. Do you want to send me away also?"

Lily looked up. She sniffled, "Why?"

Cassandra only gave her an exasperated look.

"Not.. not because of Wesley," Lily said, confused.

"Well... yeah. I tell you everything Lils. And you didn't tell me that you were with him. I covered for you a lot this year, no questions asked. But now I'm asking myself why I do that. I'm really confused Lily. What are you doing to yourself? What's going on?"

Lily swallowed. "You didn't tell me about Sirius."

Cassandra pressed her lips together. "I tried. You were always in your own world."

That made Lily feel worse. "I'm sorry Cass. Truly I am. Please don't hate me. I was so... confused. I didn't even know if I wanted to be with Wesley. And then I sort of forgot him until today."

She nodded, "Because of James."

"Yeah—what? What do you mean because of James."

Cassandra smiled slyly, flipping her black hair over her shoulder. "You like him of course."

"I do—," Lily was going to say that she did not. That he was an arrogant prat. That he was everything that she hated. But she didn't know anymore. "Oh Merlin!" Lily whispered, horrified. She buried her head in her hands.

Cassandra patted her on the back. "Happens to the best of us."

"Bloody hell," Lily whispered. "What am I going to do?"

"Well. He's been in love with you for the past couple of years. Telling him would be step one. Well, after you apologize anyway."

Lily groaned. "I am an idiot."

Cassandra stood up and gave her friend a hug. "Yes. But love makes fools of us all."


	13. Chapter 13: Sirius

**Summary: **Lily hates James. James loves Lily. Secrets, pain, laughter, and a lot of growing. Begins with an excerpt from Order of the Phoenix, no longer in Harry's POV, but through Lily and James. Now DH compliant, so some spoilers! Rated M for adult themes in later chapters and some language.

**Disclaimer**: I own nothing that you may in any way recognize. All of the characters save for a few of my own imagination belong to J.K. Rowling.

**Author's Note**: I lied. More plot bunny. But the next chapter will be awesome. But this one is still cute, if I do say so myself.

**Chapter 13: Sirius**

Lily couldn't sleep. And it wasn't the first time this summer that insomnia had hit her. At first she had thought it was the bed, so different from her own that was in the guest room of Cassandra's parent's house. Now she chalked it up to simply being terrified of going back to sleep.

"A prophetic is a very powerful witch, Lily. Prophetics tend to pass their traits on through the matriarchal line. To this day there has never been a male who has possessed these powers: The power to see the future, and not just the future of those around her, but the future of herself as well. The second part of the ability is what actually causes many prophetics to go insane, not that you will my dear. Some prophetics are not born with a strong strength of will. Some never get used to the dreams. The dreams do not start until your sixteenth birthday."

Dumbledore had paused. "Some of these dreams tend to be violent. Such as the one with your parents, you had a nosebleed when you woke up and you were shaking. Your body and your mind handle different images in separate ways. I imagine that the dream about your parents was much more violent than others because it was your parents."

"Now, the basics. There are no ways to control the dreams. Some prophetics can go their whole lives having only twenty or so, and others have categorized over a thousand visions. Occaisionally muggles born of a line will have a few dreams themselves. Your mother in fact, had two; the first that she would have two daughters, the second was the sight of her own death. It is harder to keep track of muggles with this ability. But she came forward with the information readily enough, especially as she knew of the line that you came from."

Dumbledore sighed, "We'd been watching of course, to see whether you would pick up the trait. I had no idea you had them with such a frequency." He had reached out and patted her hand. "You will be fine Lily. You are made of strength."

But now Lily wasn't so sure. She was afraid to sleep, afraid to see more and more death. Afraid to have to write them down so that they could be categorized into a box at the Ministry of Magic. And so she had spent the summer in a constant state of exhaustion—never really dreaming but never really sleeping. Cassandra's parents noted it with concern, and Cassandra tried to help as best as she could. Lily had told her the whole story, and Sirius had filled her in on Remus's condition, even though both still insisted that they weren't dating.

And to top it all off, she dreaded seeing James. A part of her wanted to apologize, and another part of her wanted to yell at him for making her fall in love with him.

The combination of it all meant that she hadn't slept in a good long while, and this was the same on a hot August night two weeks before she was due to go back to Hogwarts.

She had been lying in bed for hours, watching the clock tick by. Every so often she would drift into a doze and then snap awake. At four a.m. she decided to go get herself some water.

Cassandra lived in a small wizard village near Brighton. The house was cozy, and rather modern. The upstairs were where Cassandra's room and Lily's guest room were, as well as a bathroom. Downstairs was a kitchen with a little nook that overlooked the garden, the living area, and Cassandra's parent's room.

Lily got herself a glass of water and then went to sit in the nook. It was very silent outside. Lily leaned her forehead against the glass of the window.

Suddenly she heard tromping down the stairs. Lily turned to see one Sirius Black, clad only in boxers entering the kitchen.

For a long moment they stared at one another, and then Sirius, realizing his attire, turned pink. He got over it quickly, and then went to grab a glass from the cabinet. He nodded to her, "Evans," before turning on the tap to the sink.

Lily was staring with her mouth open. She shut it quickly and then hissed, "What are you _doing_ here?"

"Getting a glass of water," he held it up in a cheers stance and then downed it.

"No, you moron, here in Cassandra's house!"

"Er... I've been here almost every night this summer."

"But I never saw—," Lily stopped going silent.

"Well," said Sirius, uncomfortable, "I'll just be going now."

"Have you been shagging _every_ night? How could I not hear you?" Lily asked, remembering Lane's tired yawns from the school year before.

"I've been putting the silencing charms on the doors and windows. Apparently Cassandra's rubbish at them," he gave her a rueful smile.

"I'll say," Lily muttered.

"Well, that's nothing compared to what we have to put up with when James forgets to--," he stopped abruptly.

Lily was puzzled, "What do you mean?"

"Uh... it's guy stuff."

"Is... has James been shagging someone?" Lily asked. She tried to keep the despair out of her voice.

A perplexed look appeared in Sirius's face, "Not technically. Sort of. It's guy stuff, very personal." He turned to go up the stairs and then said, "Besides Evans, I didn't think you cared."

"I didn't," Lily murmured to herself, feeling dejected. "Or at least I didn't use to."

It was early on a Saturday morning when Sirius suddenly apparated into James's room, startling James so much that he fell out of bed.

"Oy, Sirius," James shouted, red-faced, "Just because you're licensed now doesn't mean you can just do it whenever and wherever you'd like."

"Actually, that is what license is defined as by Webster's dictionary."

James glowered at him. "Since when do you read the dictionary? And why the hell can you walk down the hall instead of apparate?"

"Because I wasn't down the hall last night."

James stood up, pushing a hand through his unruly hair. "And where were you exactly Padfoot? Pub? I don't get an invite anymore?" He looked around distractedly for a comb. Of course there wasn't one.

"I'm not exactly going to invite you with me to shag Cassandra. Though I suppose you could have sat with Lily. Bird was still awake at four in the morning last night."

James stared at him. "How do you know that?"

"Went downstairs for a glass of water. She was sitting in the windowseat moping. I think she's been pining over you mate."

James shoved him. Sirius stumbled. "What the hell, Prongs?"

"Don't make things up on my account," James muttered. He went to the closet and grabbed a clean shirt at random.

"I'm _not_ making it up. It's absolutely true."

"She was probably pining over that Wesley prat."

"Girls that are pining over one guy do not ask if another guy's been shagging someone else."

James paused, "Lily asked that? About _me_?"

"She surely did."

James was suspicious. "Why?"

"Well, I almost said something about you getting your rocks off and shouting Lily's name chronically, when I paused, and she took what I said about it being guy stuff to mean you were shagging someone."

"_What?_ Are you bloody stupid?"

Sirius backed off nervously. "Relax mate. It's all under control. Play your cards right and you could be shagging Lily flower by the first month of school." He grinned at his friend.

James ran another hand through his hair. "I guess," he muttered.


	14. Chapter 14: Sweet Dreams

**Summary: **Lily hates James. James loves Lily. Secrets, pain, laughter, and a lot of growing. Begins with an excerpt from Order of the Phoenix, no longer in Harry's POV, but through Lily and James. Now DH compliant, so some spoilers! Rated M for adult themes in later chapters and some language.

**Disclaimer**: I own nothing that you may in any way recognize. All of the characters save for a few of my own imagination belong to J.K. Rowling.

**Chapter 14: Sweet Dreams**

September, and Hogwarts was a buzz with students once more.

Lily had been appointed Head Girl. She had been given the options of using the Head's bedroom as a privilege, or her old room in Gryffindor Tower. To everyone's shock, Lily chose to remain in her old room, though she did plan to use the Head's bathroom for moments that she needed to relax in a nice bubble bath.

Most people attributed it to Lily's decision, but Remus Lupin, Head Boy, also chose to remain in his own quarters. Lily and Cassandra knew that it was most likely because of his condition and the fact that he needed his friends nearby him.

The atmosphere of Hogwarts had changed. Where once the halls had been distinctly cheerful, and vibe of terror hung among the students. Lily's parents were the only deaths that occurred in the last summer, and there were both familiar faces missing or contorted by the pain of having to grow up too fast.

For Lily and Cassandra, their biggest blow came with the loss of Lane. Lane's mother was extremely worried about the way things in England seemed to be going for the wizarding world. Because Lane's father was American, the family had chosen to transfer to the other country, meaning Lane would have to go to a new school the next year. Lane had come by Cassandra's house the week before the new term so that they could all bid each other a tearful goodbye.

No, things this year certainly weren't going to be the same. Lily could see it the most in James, whose behavior had been strangely aloof. He hadn't asked her on a date in years, and Lily now found that she strangely missed the presence he'd had with her in the past year. Seeing him in the halls and merely nodding at each other was no longer enough for her anymore, and it frustrated her to no end.

To top it all off, Lily still couldn't sleep. She had thought that sleeping in her own bed at Hogwarts at least would afford her something that Cassandra's guest bedroom hadn't, but clearly her mind was not any more restful. If anything her nightmare's had increased simply by the fact that she had to sleep now that she was back in school. After waking her roommates up with her screaming, once breaking a silencing charm because of it, Lily had taken to spending long hours on the couch in the Gryffindor Common Room, staring at the fire and going in and out of restlessness.

Once, in mid-September, Lily was laying on the couch at two a.m. when James, Sirius, and Peter came strolling in, looking a little care-worn but pleased with themselves. Lily heard them pause when they saw her, and the she heard Sirius whisper, "Look-a-here Prongsy," and then muffled laughter followed by a choke as an elbow made it's way into his gut.

"Shh, she's trying to sleep," Lily heard James murmur. The three of them trooped off up the stairs as quietly as they could after that.

The next time it happened, James came over to check on her, but Lily pretended that she was asleep.

Then there were three weeks of no sign of the boys, and that was when Lily realized that during the nights she had seen them when they had gone to visit Remus as animagi. For an odd reason, that Lily couldn't place or wasn't ready to admit to herself, Lily waited with anticipation for a full moon.

Sure enough, the boys came in late that night, this time to see Lily reading a book. They seemed surprised, but each of them merely nodded their heads at her and then went upstairs. Lily felt strangely disappointed. She fell into a restless sleep and woke up the next morning, on the couch in the common room, crying, though she couldn't remember her dream.

She resolved to say something the next night, but she fell asleep, her arm dangling off of the couch.

She awoke, when she felt someone lifting her up into a sitting position. Her eyes flickered open and she found herself face to face with James.

"Oh, I must have fallen asleep," she murmured lamely.

James's eyes were concerned. "You should be in bed."

Lily shrugged.

"What are you doing down here Lily?"

"What do you mean?" she asked. She held up her book. "Reading. See." She pointed at the cover. It was her potions text and she was almost finished with it as it was her favorite subject.

"Lily, are you spying on us or something?"

"Spying on what?" Lily asked surprised.

James realized now that he still had his arm around her. He dropped it. In a low voice he murmured, "We just keep running into you here on the night of the full moon, and I was wondering why you seem to be down here whenever we get back from visiting Remus."

"I'm down here every night," Lily said matter-of-factly, feeling slightly peeved at all the questions.

"_Every_ night? You can't possibly have that much homework."

"It's not so much the homework, I just can't sleep."

James turned sideways and looked at her. Really looked at her. Lily felt herself color slightly and she looked away. She felt a long finger touch her chin, turning her face to face with him. His eyes were searching hers. He traced the dark circle from lack of sleep under her left eye with his thumb, as if he were wiping away a tear.

"I hadn't realized. I should have."

Lily shrugged, though the movement was awkward with James cupping her face. "Why?"

James removed his hand. "I haven't been paying much attention to you at all," he mumbled.

"Huh?" Lily asked, surprised.

"Nevermind. It's Sirius's stupid fault anyway."

"Might I just say that I am confused," Lily told him, giving him a rueful smile.

He sighed. "It's not important. What is important is that you get some sleep." He stood up and stretched. Lily swallowed hard when she realized that his shirt was untucked and rode over his hips showing a strip of skin and a triangle of hair that fell from his belly button to the edge of his trousers.

He didn't notice her staring, or her blush, as he leaned over and picked her up.

"Hey!" Lily said, surprised. "Where are you taking me."

"You need to get some sleep. I'm taking you to bed."

"But you can't go up the girls' stairs remember."

"You can have my bed then." He mistook Lily's wide-eyed response as fear and he said, "No worries, I'll kip out on the floor. You can have it all to yourself."

"It's not that," Lily said. "I... I just can't sleep."

James frowned. "Well, if you're always on that hard as a rock couch I'm not surprised, you'd be amazed at what it does to your back—," he was interrupted by Lily's exasperated sigh.

"I can't let myself sleep."

James put her down and she flopped onto the couch. He looked angry. "Are you crazy? Why would you stop yourself from sleeping?"

"Don't yell at me," Lily told him.

"I will yell. It's unhealthy not to sleep. Your studies will suffer, your health will be ruined." He picked her up again, and towed her to the boys' stairs with purpose.

"Put me down," Lily yelled, and she punched his arm.

"Shh, don't wake the whole bloody tower."

"You don't understand--," Lily told him. She couldn't keep the pleading note out of her voice.

They were at a door. Jame put her on her feet. Lily swayed from exhaustion and James wrapped an arm around her. Lily realized that he was about a head taller than she was and she liked the way the seemed to fit together.

"Look Lily, you have to sleep, and if I have to stay up all night to make sure you do, I will."

"You don't know what it's like," Lily murmured.

"What _what's_ like?" James was starting to sound annoyed.

"To have to watch people die every time you close your eyes. To hear them tortured or to watch as the life leaves their bodies. You have no idea what it's like to know you are going to eventually have to sleep, only to wake up screaming, covered in sweat, crying so hard you can't breath. You have no idea what it's like to watch your parents die and to know, without a doubt, that there isn't anything you can do about it." Lily had started to cry, silent and angry tears as she reamed James.

Suddenly his arms were wrapped around her, and she was crying into his shirt. She did the unthinkable and she accepted his comfort, holding onto him for dear life.

"Shh," James said in a soothing voice, "It's alright Lily. You're alright."

"I feel," Lily hiccoughed, "Like I'll never be alright again. Like.. like I'm broken and... and I can't do this anymore."

"You can Lily. But first you need to sleep."

Lily opened her mouth to protest, but James pressed a finger to her lips. "I'll be there every time you have a nightmare. I'll be right over the edge of the bed, and as soon as you start to make any untoward movements, I'll wake you. Okay?"

"Okay," Lily said in a small voice.

"You trust me?"

Lily nodded.

"Alright." And so they went into the dormitory, where already Peter had started to snore. Remus's bed was empty because of the full moon and Sirius, if Lily cared to guess, was probably with Cass.

James tucked her in, still fully dressed. Lily was already starting to drift into sleep. She thought that she felt James kiss her forehead and whisper "Sweet Dreams," before she was fully out, but she wasn't sure if that was a dream in and of itself.


End file.
